What I'm Reading

Hello again!  If this just popped up in your reader you're probably wondering, "Heidi still HAS a blog?"  Yeah, it's been ignored lately. Life happens and writing gets pushed aside . . .

I'm an avid reader.  Always have been.  My husband bought me a Kindle for Christmas and I'm in love.  I was a Kindle hold out for years, thinking that I just love books too much to switch to an e-reader.  I love reading, but I also love holding a book, seeing the words on paper and having a full bookshelf to show off how well read I am :)  I'm out of bookshelf space since my kids feel the need to sleep in beds (crazy kids) and space for beds trumped space for Mom's books :(

The unexpected blessing of having a Kindle is FREE BOOKS! Two of my favorite words combined!  It's heaven on earth!

We've been laying low at home for the past week and I've had more time to read than I have in quite awhile so I took advantage of it.   In the past week I've finished 2 very powerful books that I can't stop thinking about and am in the middle of the 3rd.  All 3 are biographies of those who have survived some of the worst experiences a human can inflict on another.  While one deals with current affairs, two tackle periods of human history that cannot not (SHOULD not) be forgotten.  After I finish my current book I think I'm going to need some mindless fiction to take a break from the heavy subjects I've been tackling.

I "bought" all three books for free for my Kindle from Inspired Reads.

I stopped writing book reviews when my professors stopped requiring them ("book review" tries to sound more sophisticated than a 4th grade book report, doesn't it? Yeah, it's the same thing.  Hi, Dr. Helfers!) so all I'll say is all 3 books were great and I'd give them 5 stars if I were rating them on Amazon.  I'm listing them in the order in which I read them:


My Father, Maker of the Trees: How I Survived the Rwandan Genocide
Official Book Description:
My Father, Maker of the Trees is a story not only of surviving the Rwandan genocide--it is also a story of spiritual rebirth, healing, and redemption of a land and a people. This incredible true account shows readers the reality of evil in the world as well as the power of hope. Eric's message of God's relentless love through our darkest circumstances will encourage and inspire. Now available in trade paper.

Passport through Darkness: A True Story of Danger and Second Chances
Official Book Description: 

As she shares her extraordinary stories of fighting human trafficking as an ordinary mom, Kimberly Smith offers hope for readers who wonder if God is calling them to greater things.

Passport Through Darkness takes readers on Smith’s journey from normal family life and business, to Europe, to the deserts of Africa and ultimately, to the deserts of her own soul as she tries to live well as an imperfect American mom, crusade for justice for orphans around the world, and embrace God’s extraordinary dreams for her. When Kimberly and her husband risk everything to answer God’s call, they see God change and restore them—even amid exhaustion, marital struggles, and physical limitations.

This heartbreaking, heartlifting book is for anyone who longs to see God move their life from normal to one that matters. It is a call to readers to take one more step on their journey to know God’s heart

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While the World Watched: A Birmingham Bombing Survivor Comes of Age during the Civil Rights Movement
Official Book Description:
On September 15, 1963, a Klan-planted bomb went off in the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama. Fourteen-year-old Carolyn Maull was just a few feet away when the bomb exploded, killing four of her friends in the girl’s rest room she had just exited. It was one of the seminal moments in the Civil Rights movement, a sad day in American history . . . and the turning point in a young girl’s life. While the World Watched is a poignant and gripping eyewitness account of life in the Jim Crow South—from the bombings, riots and assassinations to the historic marches and triumphs that characterized the Civil Rights movement. A uniquely moving exploration of how racial relations have evolved over the past 5 decades, While the World Watched is an incredible testament to how far we’ve come and how far we have yet to go.



As an interesting side note . . . when I was describing While the World Watched to my husband the other night he asked me about another woman from Birmingham, Alabama who was growing up in the 60's: Condoleezza Rice.  My husband said he thought he had heard something about her and the church bombing that Carolyn Maull McKinstry survived.  After doing some research I found out Dr. Rice was a childhood playmate of victim Denise McNair.

What A Day!

Phew!

I'm glad it's almost 9 and all is quiet in my kids' rooms.  Today was a day.  Yes, I've had worse, but my venting today is too long for a facebook status so I came here :)

My husband had to go to CA for a meeting today, meaning he flew out at 7:30 this morning and was scheduled to fly back home at 8:05 tonight (which means he should be in the air right now).  Definitely a long and tiring day for him!  I am incredibly thankful for how hard he works to provide for our family as the only wage earner.

This morning, after the kids woke up, I had them grab several books and we all crawled into my bed where we read stories.  In my mind we were going to have a blissful morning spent cuddling and reading books.  The reality is the kids got ansty after 3 books and we moved onto the next activity.   My son's preschool class is planting flowers in the school flower bed and the students will be tending to the flowers for the remainder of the school year (about 6 weeks).  My son's teachers asked each student to bring in a flower this week to plant in the flower bed. Because of Good Friday my son doesn't have preschool Friday and tomorrow is the last day he'll attend this week so I knew we had to go buy his flower today.

We have been having problems with our dishwasher and the repairman was scheduled to come install a new motor today between 12-5.  I finally was able to get the kids fed, dressed, and out the door around 10 when my husband called saying he just received a phone call from the repairman asking if it was ok if he was early because he could be there in about 30 minutes.   I said, "Yes" and figured we could go buy my son's flower after rest.

After the kids had lunch and rested I tried getting them out the door, but again they were dragging their feet and we didn't actually leave for Home Depot until about 4pm.  The three of us fought the evening congestion around an industrial park to head to Home Depot--the closest store with a nursery.  Once at Home Depot my son picked out a marigold and we headed to our next few errands---Costco to get gas and then to the grocery store.  We got to the grocery store around 5pm and it was pretty crazy.  I managed to survive with some of my sanity in tact, considering at 5 and 3 my kids are too old to ride in the cart, but too young to not get distracted by all the interesting things in the grocery store.

The kids and I got home around 5:30 and I began to unload the groceries from the car while the kids ran inside.  Before I finished unloading the groceries I noticed my son had broken the flower off his marigold.  I had kept the potted plant in the front seat during our errands and I carried it inside once we got home telling him not to touch it, so I was a little frustrated knowing time was running out before he needed to deliver it to school.  I considered telling him, "I'm sorry.  You didn't listen to me and you broke it.  That's the plant you're going to take to school.  I'm sorry you won't have a pretty flower in the garden", but in the end I decided to load the kids back up and head back to the store.  Home Depot is only about 3 miles from the house, but the errand took us 45 minutes because of traffic.

I had been hoping to get the kids in bed early, but I didn't.  I did manage to feed them and get them in bed at their normal bed time (in part because we skipped baths tonight.  Shhh . . .don't tell anyone), but I was pretty emotionally drained from our hectic afternoon.  To top it off, when I picked up the mail I saw that I have been summonsed to serve jury duty with the City in May.   I guess I should be thankful I don't have to serve on my birthday, which is that same month :)

Holy Week traditions

According to the Christian calendar yesterday was Palm Sunday, the day Christians remember Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem where he was greeted by crowds praising him with cries of "Hosanna".  By the end of the week Jesus would be dead and buried a tomb belonging to Joseph of Arimathea.

I often imagine that Saturday as one of the darkest days in human history as Satan thought he had won by killing Jesus, not realizing the ultimate victory would come on Sunday!

My kids are now 5 and 3 and I love watching their faith grow and hearing them speak the Truth.  Last night at the dinner table we were discussing Easter and even my 3 year old was able to tell me we celebrate Easter because Jesus died for our sins and rose from the dead.  This morning I was in our spare room/office when my daughter came in, out of the blue, and said "Mommy!  Jesus is the Truth!"

I want to take time this week and help my kids focus on the meaning of Easter.  For the past few days I have been trying to think of different ways to prepare their young hearts and minds for the commemoration of the most important day in all of human history.  I would also like to establish some traditions for our family as we mark this monumental week. 

One friend and her husband participated in a reverse Lent project that they completed over the weekend. I love this idea so much that I'm going to discuss with my husband the possibility of doing it in our home next year.

Last week a friend posted a picture of this Easter garden and I immediately went to the store to get the necessary items.  The kids and I made our own on Thursday and we'll remove the stone on Sunday morning.   My son was quite concerned we were waiting so long (over a week) to roll the stone away because, "Mom! Jesus rose from the dead on the third day! Why are we waiting so long?"

Each night we read to our kids out of their children's Bible as their bedtime story.  Generally my husband reads to our son, while I read to our daughter.   We made sure last night to read them the story of Jesus' entry into Jerusalem and will continue to read the events of this important week each night.

Though we will not be having a Seder dinner I am thinking about making a special dinner on Thursday night to remember the Last Supper.

Because we go to a large church they hold Easter services on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.   Our family will attend church on Saturday night, leaving Sunday for our family celebration.

Sunday morning we will hunt for Resurrection Eggs and discuss the story of Easter as we open the eggs.

As I look forward to the week I'm left wondering about what other traditions we can establish and activities we can do to remind us of the ultimate sacrifice made on the cross and the incredible victory of Jesus conquering death.

What are some activities your family does to mark Easter?

The Best Policy?

Honesty is huge for me.  We don't do "fictional characters" in our house (Santa Claus, Elf on the Shelf, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc.) because we find it a bit hypocritical to teach our kids not to lie while we're lying to them (excuse me, "creating childhood magic"). I try to be truthful in all circumstances. I truly believe more is "caught than taught" and if I want my kids to grow up being truthful I need to be truthful.  Please don't ask me if I like your hair cut if you don't want me to tell you what I'm thinking (I'm a people pleaser by nature and nurture so I'll try to soften the blow because I don't want to upset you, but I won't lie).  Please don't ask me to be your alibi.  Please don't ask me to lie on your behalf.  It's that big of a deal to me.

While I may not see a lot of gray areas in right vs. wrong or truth vs. a lie I wonder how honest my life is.

Last night a friend posted a quote from a Christian book about anxiety on her facebook page.  As someone who has fought a life long battle with anxiety and depression, this book definitely piques my interest.  Adding to my desire to read this book is the fact my friend and I went to college with the author.   I didn't know him well, and our mutual friend warned me it will "SHOCK" me when I do start to read it because of the author's honesty and transparency.

I went to bed last night, not having read a word of this book, but wondering about the walls we all put up, and specifically about the barriers that keep me from being completely transparent.  I thought back to people I've known through the years and remember specific moments when frienships were formed.  I can't think of a single meaningful friendship that has been cemented without an initial moment of vulnerability.  The past year has been the hardest for me, when it comes to friendships, since I left the drama of jr. high and high school.  I've spent a lot of time over the past few months reflecting on why the girls I shared a floor with in the dorms my freshman year of college are still among my closest friends nearly 18 years later and why I struggle to make (and keep) friends now at 35.

In my mind it all boils down to honesty and transparency.   Living in close quarters and having one common bathroom shared by 30+ college freshman girls has a way of making you pretty transparent.  From first dates to break ups, illness and fights, we were REAL with each other because you can't live a lie 24/7/365 without going completely insane.  MTV's "Real World" even started each show saying it was what happened "When people stop being polite and start being real".  Through the ups and downs of moving away from home, picking a major, making a completely new set of friends, and living in tight quarters there were ugly moments but, like us, the moments were real.

Outside of my husband and kids I haven't been forced into a situation that requires such honesty in the 10 years since I had my last roommate.

This morning the same friend who posted the book quote last night shared a blog entitled Honest about Honesty.

As much as I try to live honestly I'm the lady who stood in front of the closet this morning for 5 minutes trying to figure out what shirt to wear to drop my 5 year old off at preschool knowing there would be other moms there and I wanted them to think I fit in with them.  Last night I was thinking about how it's the people who are most honest and vulnerable that I respect the most. The ones who let me come over when the floors haven't been cleaned in an embarassingly long time, the ones who don't get "made up" for play dates at the park, the ones who aren't afraid to admit their inner weaknesses, etc. THOSE are the people I admire, respect, and want to be like, but the truth is . . . . I'm the lady who plans her "cute" outfits for MWF when I know I'm going to see the other moms walking our 5 year olds to their preschool class because I want them to admire me.  I stress out over what to wear to a play date, but when I find the other mom's hair is in a messy pony tail I let out a big sigh of relief and remember . . . this is my friend.  I can let my guard down and keep my pony tail up.

The kicker is that, despite wrestling with the "what to wear" question for several moments this morning, I STILL went to preschool drop off looking like a slob a pretty accurate version of the real me.  Even though I actually woke up early enough to take a shower before dropping my son off (NEVER happens. I guess there is one benefit to last night's sleepless night) I spent the extra time on the computer and threw my hair in a wet pony tail as I walked out the door.  It was a bit chilly when we left the house so I grabbed one of my husband's old sweatshirts.   The other moms at school are lucky I had make-up on.

I struggle with with what others think of my weight (others must think I'm too lazy to go to the gym or am undisciplined in my eating habits.  They're right), my looks (can't do much about those--in my mind I'm still the heavy girl from jr. high and high school who didn't go on her first date until age 20 and who didn't have her first real boyfriend until 26), my house (I will not be winning any domestic goddess of the year awards.  I'm lazy and I'd rather facebook than clean), my kids' behavior, (how come I'm the only one at Target barking at her kids not to run in the store, not to touch that, to put that down, to stay with me?).

I don't know where the balance is between being honest and being "negative nancy" (another biggie for me considering my struggle with depression). I want to be encouraged and I want to be encouraging. I want the safety to be honest and I want others to feel safe being honest with me. I want those things but I also want everyone to think I'm super mom (which I'm NOT)

Part of why I haven't blogged much lately is the issues I'm dealing with, the things I want to talk about, the decisions I'm wrestling with, the lessons I'm learning don't need to be on the internet where it could cause pain or where they could cause further division.  I'm saying I'd be more than willing to talk with most anybody about these things in a private conversation (or even on someone else's facebook wall where those involved can't/won't see), but not here and not now.

I'm not that honest . . .

Spring Training!

I grew up in a baseball loving family.  I've gone to games regularly since I was 4 years old.  I remember taking road trips growing up to go watch the California Angels spring training in Palm Springs, CA.  I remember how much fun it was to meet the players and get their autographs.

I moved to the Phoenix area when I was in college and, at the time, we didn't have Major League Baseball here, but we had Fall Leage and Spring Training. Over the years I went to a few games with friends and had a great time.  Later on the Arizona Diamondbacks moved to town so my chances to go to games increased.

It was in the years after college that I really fell lin love with spring training.  First off, my Angels were now holding their spring training just down the freeway from my house.  Secondly, spring training games are very inexpensive.  Where the Angels train lawn seats were only $4 and parking in the nearby office park was free!  I loved the cheap baseball, the beautiful weather, and the comradarie of hanging out on the lawn! Even when I went to games by myself I always made friends with those around me.  In my first few years out of college I loved spring training so much that I would take my vacation time from work in March just so that I could hang out at the ballpark as much as possible.


The access to the players during spring training is amazing, too. It's very easy for kids to get autographs and to talk to the players.  Last week I decided the kids were old enough that they'd enjoy watching the free workouts and being able to meet the players.  Since my son started Little League last week I also wanted to show him that even the "real" baseball players have to practice before they can play in games.









The kids loved going to the workouts, though they didn't really understand why we were asking the players to sign their baseballs and they didn't know what an autograph was.  My 5 year old, while trying to ask the players, "May I please have your autograph?" was more likely to ask, "Would you like my autograph?".  That got a few chuckles :)  My son also loved telling the players that he was in Little League and is now playing t-ball, which started a few conversations where the players told him about how they played Little League when they were his age. 

All in all it was a great day and the circle is complete because I grew up going to games with my parents, and having them help me collect autographs, and now I get to do the same with my kids.   I can't wait to do this again next year, though I know my son will have to miss out because the work outs will be while he is in school.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Several months ago I put on my facebook status how much I enjoy writing and said that I'm praying about how God can use that.

Well, lately I've had writer's block, which has been frustrating.  I've been wanting to write, but I haven't felt like I've had much to say.  I have several friends who blog daily and I love reading their blogs.  I would love to write every day, but I don't really have anything that I feel like is "worth" sharing every day.  

There are things I'd like to write about, but are so personal that I don't know if I necessarily want them "out there" for the entire internet to read.  Sure, I'm all for being transparent about my struggles in parenting, or in life, but when it comes to things like friendships and other relationships I have a lot to say, but am scared.

I am, by both nature AND nurture, a people pleaser.  I'm scared of writing/saying something that is offensive (especially since I've inadvertantly done that several times recently when I didn't think I was being controversial) and writing about some of the lessons.

The fact that I have become scared into silence, my insecurity about whether or not I have anything "worth" writing about, and the fact I'd like to keep certain details about my family (names and other identifying details) off the internet has led to my silence.

This rambling post is my first venture "back" to blogging.   I'm hoping tomorrow I can find the time to write about the great day my kids and I had yesterday!

I stand amazed!

At church tonight, just before communion, the pastor talked about how Jesus knew he could call on legions of angels to rescue him from the cross, but how he also knew that was the way it had to be. Jesus knew salvation would only come to the nations through his death.  Jesus could've pulled out his cape, and proclaimed in his best Mighty Mouse voice, "Here I come to save the day!", but he didn't . . .   He chose not to.  Jesus knew there was no other way to the other side, but to go through the torture of crucifiction.  I've heard that at least a hundred times in the past 17 years, but it struck me in a new way tonight.

Today I've been weary thinking about the health battles my friends are fighting.  I have one friend whose 1 month old has been in the hospital for the past several days enduring blood tests and spinal taps trying to figure out what is making her so sick.  I have another friend who is just beginning to fight breast cancer.  A third friend has a little girl who has had to fight for life since she was born in April.  I've been praying for these precious friends and my heart has ached for each one of them as I've cried out to God for healing.

I went into church, my heart heavy for these families and what they're enduring right now.  During communion I was thinking about the pastor's words and my mind went to my friends and their situations.  I was thinking about how Jesus could just say the word and all their sickness would be healed.   My thought process continued and I started thinking about the way God is often glorified (and has been in all of these cases) in the darkest times of life.  I was reminded that on the other side of the journey my friends are on they're going to be stronger, they're going to be more alive, and they're going to have a testimony that is absolutely amazing, but they have to go through this first because it's the only way to get to the other side . . .

During communion I heard the band quietly playing one of my favorite hymns.  As I was still processing what God was teaching me about having to go through struggles to reach the ultimate goal the worship team started singing the song, and before long thousands of people were worshipping God with this song:






How marvelous! How wonderful! And [their] song shall ever be . .  How marvelous! How wonderful! Is my Savior's love for me!