The Best Policy?

Honesty is huge for me.  We don't do "fictional characters" in our house (Santa Claus, Elf on the Shelf, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc.) because we find it a bit hypocritical to teach our kids not to lie while we're lying to them (excuse me, "creating childhood magic"). I try to be truthful in all circumstances. I truly believe more is "caught than taught" and if I want my kids to grow up being truthful I need to be truthful.  Please don't ask me if I like your hair cut if you don't want me to tell you what I'm thinking (I'm a people pleaser by nature and nurture so I'll try to soften the blow because I don't want to upset you, but I won't lie).  Please don't ask me to be your alibi.  Please don't ask me to lie on your behalf.  It's that big of a deal to me.

While I may not see a lot of gray areas in right vs. wrong or truth vs. a lie I wonder how honest my life is.

Last night a friend posted a quote from a Christian book about anxiety on her facebook page.  As someone who has fought a life long battle with anxiety and depression, this book definitely piques my interest.  Adding to my desire to read this book is the fact my friend and I went to college with the author.   I didn't know him well, and our mutual friend warned me it will "SHOCK" me when I do start to read it because of the author's honesty and transparency.

I went to bed last night, not having read a word of this book, but wondering about the walls we all put up, and specifically about the barriers that keep me from being completely transparent.  I thought back to people I've known through the years and remember specific moments when frienships were formed.  I can't think of a single meaningful friendship that has been cemented without an initial moment of vulnerability.  The past year has been the hardest for me, when it comes to friendships, since I left the drama of jr. high and high school.  I've spent a lot of time over the past few months reflecting on why the girls I shared a floor with in the dorms my freshman year of college are still among my closest friends nearly 18 years later and why I struggle to make (and keep) friends now at 35.

In my mind it all boils down to honesty and transparency.   Living in close quarters and having one common bathroom shared by 30+ college freshman girls has a way of making you pretty transparent.  From first dates to break ups, illness and fights, we were REAL with each other because you can't live a lie 24/7/365 without going completely insane.  MTV's "Real World" even started each show saying it was what happened "When people stop being polite and start being real".  Through the ups and downs of moving away from home, picking a major, making a completely new set of friends, and living in tight quarters there were ugly moments but, like us, the moments were real.

Outside of my husband and kids I haven't been forced into a situation that requires such honesty in the 10 years since I had my last roommate.

This morning the same friend who posted the book quote last night shared a blog entitled Honest about Honesty.

As much as I try to live honestly I'm the lady who stood in front of the closet this morning for 5 minutes trying to figure out what shirt to wear to drop my 5 year old off at preschool knowing there would be other moms there and I wanted them to think I fit in with them.  Last night I was thinking about how it's the people who are most honest and vulnerable that I respect the most. The ones who let me come over when the floors haven't been cleaned in an embarassingly long time, the ones who don't get "made up" for play dates at the park, the ones who aren't afraid to admit their inner weaknesses, etc. THOSE are the people I admire, respect, and want to be like, but the truth is . . . . I'm the lady who plans her "cute" outfits for MWF when I know I'm going to see the other moms walking our 5 year olds to their preschool class because I want them to admire me.  I stress out over what to wear to a play date, but when I find the other mom's hair is in a messy pony tail I let out a big sigh of relief and remember . . . this is my friend.  I can let my guard down and keep my pony tail up.

The kicker is that, despite wrestling with the "what to wear" question for several moments this morning, I STILL went to preschool drop off looking like a slob a pretty accurate version of the real me.  Even though I actually woke up early enough to take a shower before dropping my son off (NEVER happens. I guess there is one benefit to last night's sleepless night) I spent the extra time on the computer and threw my hair in a wet pony tail as I walked out the door.  It was a bit chilly when we left the house so I grabbed one of my husband's old sweatshirts.   The other moms at school are lucky I had make-up on.

I struggle with with what others think of my weight (others must think I'm too lazy to go to the gym or am undisciplined in my eating habits.  They're right), my looks (can't do much about those--in my mind I'm still the heavy girl from jr. high and high school who didn't go on her first date until age 20 and who didn't have her first real boyfriend until 26), my house (I will not be winning any domestic goddess of the year awards.  I'm lazy and I'd rather facebook than clean), my kids' behavior, (how come I'm the only one at Target barking at her kids not to run in the store, not to touch that, to put that down, to stay with me?).

I don't know where the balance is between being honest and being "negative nancy" (another biggie for me considering my struggle with depression). I want to be encouraged and I want to be encouraging. I want the safety to be honest and I want others to feel safe being honest with me. I want those things but I also want everyone to think I'm super mom (which I'm NOT)

Part of why I haven't blogged much lately is the issues I'm dealing with, the things I want to talk about, the decisions I'm wrestling with, the lessons I'm learning don't need to be on the internet where it could cause pain or where they could cause further division.  I'm saying I'd be more than willing to talk with most anybody about these things in a private conversation (or even on someone else's facebook wall where those involved can't/won't see), but not here and not now.

I'm not that honest . . .

Spring Training!

I grew up in a baseball loving family.  I've gone to games regularly since I was 4 years old.  I remember taking road trips growing up to go watch the California Angels spring training in Palm Springs, CA.  I remember how much fun it was to meet the players and get their autographs.

I moved to the Phoenix area when I was in college and, at the time, we didn't have Major League Baseball here, but we had Fall Leage and Spring Training. Over the years I went to a few games with friends and had a great time.  Later on the Arizona Diamondbacks moved to town so my chances to go to games increased.

It was in the years after college that I really fell lin love with spring training.  First off, my Angels were now holding their spring training just down the freeway from my house.  Secondly, spring training games are very inexpensive.  Where the Angels train lawn seats were only $4 and parking in the nearby office park was free!  I loved the cheap baseball, the beautiful weather, and the comradarie of hanging out on the lawn! Even when I went to games by myself I always made friends with those around me.  In my first few years out of college I loved spring training so much that I would take my vacation time from work in March just so that I could hang out at the ballpark as much as possible.


The access to the players during spring training is amazing, too. It's very easy for kids to get autographs and to talk to the players.  Last week I decided the kids were old enough that they'd enjoy watching the free workouts and being able to meet the players.  Since my son started Little League last week I also wanted to show him that even the "real" baseball players have to practice before they can play in games.









The kids loved going to the workouts, though they didn't really understand why we were asking the players to sign their baseballs and they didn't know what an autograph was.  My 5 year old, while trying to ask the players, "May I please have your autograph?" was more likely to ask, "Would you like my autograph?".  That got a few chuckles :)  My son also loved telling the players that he was in Little League and is now playing t-ball, which started a few conversations where the players told him about how they played Little League when they were his age. 

All in all it was a great day and the circle is complete because I grew up going to games with my parents, and having them help me collect autographs, and now I get to do the same with my kids.   I can't wait to do this again next year, though I know my son will have to miss out because the work outs will be while he is in school.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Several months ago I put on my facebook status how much I enjoy writing and said that I'm praying about how God can use that.

Well, lately I've had writer's block, which has been frustrating.  I've been wanting to write, but I haven't felt like I've had much to say.  I have several friends who blog daily and I love reading their blogs.  I would love to write every day, but I don't really have anything that I feel like is "worth" sharing every day.  

There are things I'd like to write about, but are so personal that I don't know if I necessarily want them "out there" for the entire internet to read.  Sure, I'm all for being transparent about my struggles in parenting, or in life, but when it comes to things like friendships and other relationships I have a lot to say, but am scared.

I am, by both nature AND nurture, a people pleaser.  I'm scared of writing/saying something that is offensive (especially since I've inadvertantly done that several times recently when I didn't think I was being controversial) and writing about some of the lessons.

The fact that I have become scared into silence, my insecurity about whether or not I have anything "worth" writing about, and the fact I'd like to keep certain details about my family (names and other identifying details) off the internet has led to my silence.

This rambling post is my first venture "back" to blogging.   I'm hoping tomorrow I can find the time to write about the great day my kids and I had yesterday!