34 or 4?

Without going into too many details Thanksgiving and the days surrounding it have been rough around here.  My husband and I, along with our 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter traveled to my husband's hometown for Thanksgiving to visit his family.   The trip is about 200 miles each way and generally takes us about 3 hours.  While there we don't generally sleep well, which makes for tired and cranky kids, as well as tired and cranky parents.

In addition to the normal holiday craziness my husband's brother is currently fighting for his life, about 6 hours from the town where they grew up, so it added an additional strain on my in-laws (on top of adding 2 adults and two toddlers into their small townhouse for several days).

During this time of concern for my brother-in-law, the stress of  travelling (and not sleeping) with two little ones and other family dynamics left me at my wit's end last night.  I was mad at my husband, mad at my kids, and pretty much just MAD.    Before I knew what was happening I reached my breaking point, screamed at my husband, started crying, ran to my room and slammed the door.  Did I mention I was MAD!?

It is now about 24 hours after my outburst and I am extremely embarrassed about how I handled the situation. First of all, I had no right to act the way I did.  Secondly, my husband is in one of the most difficult periods of his life as he doesn't know if his big brother will pull out of this.  I should've been supportive, instead of harsh. My fatigue is no excuse for how I handled the situation.

The more I reflected today, the more I realized how much I'm like my kids.  When my kids are tired and cranky they throw fits, yell, scream and cry.  When she is mad my 2 year old runs away and slams her bedroom door.  My kids get disciplined for this behavior, as it is unacceptable in our house to throw a temper tantrum when you don't get what you want.   Isn't that what I did last night? I threw a 34 year old temper tantrum.

As ugly and as it is when my kids do it, I have come to realize it is infinitely more ugly (and embarrassing) when I do it . . .

I guess I have some growing up to do . . .

Always a Mom

I've heard motherhood described as the biggest club in the world.   I have several friends who are missionaries overseas, or are preparing to move overseas, with small children.   One of the things my friends who travel internationally with babies and toddlers have remarked about is the fact that, no matter where they are and what language or cultural barriers there may be, the bond of motherhood transcends it all.   A mom knows what another mom is feeling when her 3 year old is throwing a tantrum in public, while the baby is also crying.    A mom knows what another mom is feeling when her 4 year old runs up to her at the park and gives a big hug saying "I love you, Mommy!"

Recently a family member has been hospitalized and is currently faced with the likelihood at least part of his foot will be amputated by the end of the week.   Upon hearing this news the other night one of my first thoughts were of what his mom must be feeling.  This is a grown man, in his 40's, and yet my heart ached for his mom.   I am a mom.   I can't imagine the toes I've kissed so many times, the feet I've placed shoes on, the feet I watched walk for the first time, being surgically removed from my child.   My child will always be my child, but it's odd to me to think about the fact that this mother's child will no longer have all of the "parts" she carried and cared for. 

My thoughts immediately turned to the mothers of servicemen and women who have lost limbs in battle.   Earlier this evening and I was watching the news and they showed a clip of a mom dedicating a Naval Destroyer that was named after her son, Jason Dunham.   In the short clip I started crying as I thought about the pain that mom has felt over the past few years, and the void she will feel the rest of her life.

I have friends who have walked through the valley of the shadow of death in having had to bury their own children.  It's a pain I can't begin to fathom and an ache I know they feel daily.

A few months ago I wrote this funny look at life as a mom.   It was my most commented on blog, to date, because we can all identify with these things in a way that a person without kids doesn't.  I also wrote recently about how I am who I am because of the people in my life, and my relationship to them.  Nothing in my life has changed me as much as becoming a mom has.

On the rough days I remind myself that other moms have survived having a 2 year old and a 4 year old at the same time, and I will, too.     I can sympathize with the woman in Target who has a kid screaming so loud, she thinks they can hear her son in the parking lot because I've been there.  I can empathize with the mom whose son is facing life-changing surgery because, while I haven't been there, I have a mother's heart.

I am a proud member of the Mommy Club.

The Earth is Filled with His Glory!

The gray sky hung low above us and I was driving through one of my favorite parts of the state on a "kids-free" trip with my husband.  After a very long and very hot summer I was savoring the cool fall air, the low lying clouds, and this getaway while Grandma watched the kids for two days.   The leaves around us were just starting to change and I was breathing in the beautiful fall day when I heard Chris Tomlin's voice coming out of my stereo proclaiming "The Earth is filled with His glory!"

I couldn't help but agree as we ascended through Oak Creek Canyon, with a colorful canopy of fall surrounding us.

You can see a YouTube clip of Chris Tomlin singing "Holy is The Lord" here