While I may not see a lot of gray areas in right vs. wrong or truth vs. a lie I wonder how honest my life is.
Last night a friend posted a quote from a Christian book about anxiety on her facebook page. As someone who has fought a life long battle with anxiety and depression, this book definitely piques my interest. Adding to my desire to read this book is the fact my friend and I went to college with the author. I didn't know him well, and our mutual friend warned me it will "SHOCK" me when I do start to read it because of the author's honesty and transparency.
I went to bed last night, not having read a word of this book, but wondering about the walls we all put up, and specifically about the barriers that keep me from being completely transparent. I thought back to people I've known through the years and remember specific moments when frienships were formed. I can't think of a single meaningful friendship that has been cemented without an initial moment of vulnerability. The past year has been the hardest for me, when it comes to friendships, since I left the drama of jr. high and high school. I've spent a lot of time over the past few months reflecting on why the girls I shared a floor with in the dorms my freshman year of college are still among my closest friends nearly 18 years later and why I struggle to make (and keep) friends now at 35.
In my mind it all boils down to honesty and transparency. Living in close quarters and having one common bathroom shared by 30+ college freshman girls has a way of making you pretty transparent. From first dates to break ups, illness and fights, we were REAL with each other because you can't live a lie 24/7/365 without going completely insane. MTV's "Real World" even started each show saying it was what happened "When people stop being polite and start being real". Through the ups and downs of moving away from home, picking a major, making a completely new set of friends, and living in tight quarters there were ugly moments but, like us, the moments were real.
Outside of my husband and kids I haven't been forced into a situation that requires such honesty in the 10 years since I had my last roommate.
This morning the same friend who posted the book quote last night shared a blog entitled Honest about Honesty.
As much as I try to live honestly I'm the lady who stood in front of the closet this morning for 5 minutes trying to figure out what shirt to wear to drop my 5 year old off at preschool knowing there would be other moms there and I wanted them to think I fit in with them. Last night I was thinking about how it's the people who are most honest and vulnerable that I respect the most. The ones who let me come over when the floors haven't been cleaned in an embarassingly long time, the ones who don't get "made up" for play dates at the park, the ones who aren't afraid to admit their inner weaknesses, etc. THOSE are the people I admire, respect, and want to be like, but the truth is . . . . I'm the lady who plans her "cute" outfits for MWF when I know I'm going to see the other moms walking our 5 year olds to their preschool class because I want them to admire me. I stress out over what to wear to a play date, but when I find the other mom's hair is in a messy pony tail I let out a big sigh of relief and remember . . . this is my friend. I can let my guard down and keep my pony tail up.
The kicker is that, despite wrestling with the "what to wear" question for several moments this morning, I STILL went to preschool drop off looking like
I struggle with with what others think of my weight (others must think I'm too lazy to go to the gym or am undisciplined in my eating habits. They're right), my looks (can't do much about those--in my mind I'm still the heavy girl from jr. high and high school who didn't go on her first date until age 20 and who didn't have her first real boyfriend until 26), my house (I will not be winning any domestic goddess of the year awards. I'm lazy and I'd rather facebook than clean), my kids' behavior, (how come I'm the only one at Target barking at her kids not to run in the store, not to touch that, to put that down, to stay with me?).
I don't know where the balance is between being honest and being "negative nancy" (another biggie for me considering my struggle with depression). I want to be encouraged and I want to be encouraging. I want the safety to be honest and I want others to feel safe being honest with me. I want those things but I also want everyone to think I'm super mom (which I'm NOT)
Part of why I haven't blogged much lately is the issues I'm dealing with, the things I want to talk about, the decisions I'm wrestling with, the lessons I'm learning don't need to be on the internet where it could cause pain or where they could cause further division. I'm saying I'd be more than willing to talk with most anybody about these things in a private conversation (or even on someone else's facebook wall where those involved can't/won't see), but not here and not now.
I'm not that honest . . .
I relate so much to this, Heidi.
ReplyDeleteI'm not blogging much right now and part of the reason is because the family issues we're having (with my mother-in-law's failing health) are of a pretty personal nature and I know I need to be careful what I right. Also, I think I just got a little burned out on blogging. Or a lot burned out. :)
As for honesty in relationships...wow, carrying someone else's baby is teaching me about honesty in a way I've never had to learn before. (It helps that my best friend/baby's mom is someone who is BIG on honesty.) This can be such an emotional decision for both of us and I've had to stop being so concerned about hiding things and start being more proactive about sharing things.
It's hard. But it's also so freeing! I hope what I'm learning can be carried forward into other relationships. On the other hand, I know that total vulnerability isn't appropriate for MOST relationships. So I'm left with the question--how much honest sharing is appropriate and in what circumstances? I may be figuring that one out for a long time. :)
*right=write. :)
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel! Two things: First, I just finished Beth Moore's new Bible study on James and we just went over the issue of boundaries. We absolutely need to have the kind of friendships where we can be totally transparent. Those friends are the kind of people that know the ugliest side of you, yet still love you. But most people will not be that person in your life. So comes the freedom that having healthy boundaries will give you. Second, I'm absolutely convinced that it's hard to get to know another mom, when you only see her when you get the kids together. Of all my friends, the ones I spend time with away from my children I've grown the closest with. I know you've said that's hard for you. There will come a day, perhaps when the children are in school. I resonate with this blog so much!! Thanks for sharing. Oh and one more thing, I rarely leave blog comments. I did because you said you loved when people do!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post Heidi. I love your honesty and transparency. Your post was enlightening and insightful and I can take a lot from it. One thing I have learned to let go of is that my house doesn't need to be cleaned up when friends come over. I've learned that dirty floors and messy countertops are part of my life right now and my priorities are in investing time into my family. I've learned to not say "I'm sorry for how messy my house is" when people stop by. I've also learned that if someone judges me on my house not being straitened up, then maybe that is not a friend I want to invest my time with. If I can't be 100% me with someone and have to appear better than I really am with someone, then that's not a friend for me. This is a lesson I've learned over and over again and I no a true friend when she can walk in my house, look past my messes, my imperfections and love me for me. But also be honest with me and shoot it to me straight. Thanks Heidi for such an insightful post, leaves me with so much to think about and so much to be thankful for too in the friends department. :)
ReplyDeleteI love you.
ReplyDeleteOne of the wonders about getting older is that the walls we've created start to come down. Not because they're not strong. It's because we no longer have the strength to hold them up any longer. Walls divide. Walls block. Walls isolate.
In this year, at age 52, I'm the most transparent I've ever been in what is becoming the most remarkable season of my life. As I posted on Facebook yesterday, "If you are shocked by what I say, you obviously haven't paid attention to who I am." The number of people who seem to yearn for my transparency far outnumber the ones who may be shocked. So I press on.
I regret that I haven't seen you more in person over these past few years. It took my cancer for us to see each other IRL, dang it. And you, my friend, are one of the most naturally beautiful women God ever created. He delights in you. UNDERSTAND THAT. He DELIGHTS in you. There is not a stitch of clothing, an ounce of makeup, a hair style you could have that would make you any more beautiful than God in heaven made you. He DELIGHTS in you. Just the way you are.
Rest in that, dear one. I pray that you will begin to see yourself through the only eyes that count. HIS eyes.
I love you. xoxox
I have so much to say in regards to your latest blog but not enough time to type it but I wanted to tell you that you are never alone in so many of your daily challenges. I was really thinking about friendships and making them as we get older. For me (if we are being honest) making and maintaining friends now is SO much harder than when I was in college and had TIME to get to know people. I had time to know their fears, what makes them laugh, cry and tick. Now I barely have the time or energy for my children, husband and family. When I was in college, I was selfish and lived in my world of college (except for when my mom would attempt taking her life and I would travel home to clean up the mess) and I did not take care of a family. I think it is Very difficult to make and maintain friendships in our "adult" lives because we are just too tired and burned out. That is a a terrible excuse, I know it and find myself struggling with it. Since we moved to a new state, I had to start over and let me tell you it has been tiring but I did make myself do it and now I feel like I have a few dear friends that I can just be myself with. If you have that, then you NEVER, ever need to worry about what others think of you. You are a beautiful woman Heidi and it has been amazing over the years to listen to you and hear your thoughts. If being yourself, fully exposed, is not enough then don't worry about those people. Anyway, this might have tons on typos....I am not one to edit or worry about it unless of course it was a note sent home to parents! LOL You just be Heidi and that is enough and certainly enough for those who count the most....STEVE and your kiddos.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Leslie