Trying to find good . . .

Today is Tuesday.  Friday afternoon, for reasons we may not ever truly know, 26 people were murdered at a school in Newtown, CT.   Like many I'm still trying to process, even though I am 2000mi away and have never been to Newtown.

Maybe I'm Pollyanna.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm grasping for straws.  It's entirely possible.  All I know is that 20 babies were killed and 6 adults died trying to protect the innocents in their care.  I don't know much else about what happened Friday morning.

I also know I believe in God and I believe evil exists.  I have read the writings of a lot of wise people in the past few days attempting to answer the, "Why?".  Since I'm not wise I'm not even going to begin to tackle that.

Another thing I know: When tragedy strikes, as it did on Friday morning, people rally together.  People stop what they're doing and pray A LOT.  People hug their kids more and make sure loved ones are sent out into the world with a hug, a kiss and an "I love you!" People try to find a way to help.

As I'm still trying to process Friday's tragedy I'm looking for good because otherwise I'd be curled up in the fetal position hiding under my covers with my kids and not ever re-entering the world (tempting as that is . . . ).

Here are a few things I've seen and/or experienced in recent days:

**Parents putting aside the "to-do" lists and the busy-ness of the Christmas season to be intentional about time with their kids after being reminded how precious life is

**Parents hugging their kids tighter and saying, "I love you" more

**Parents being more patient with their children, realizing what a precious commodity time with them is

**A national dialogue about mental illness

**A friendship restored

**A recognition of teachers as heroes

**A lot of prayer.  Prayer is never a bad thing and there's no such thing as too much.

In case you haven't seen it, here are the victims and their birthdates. My son is 6 and my nephew is 7. Some of these kids who are gone too soon were born within weeks of my son.  One was born just 3 days after my nephew.  I was in elementary school when Rachel Davino, Lauren Rasseau and Victoria Soto were born.  My husband had graduated high school and was in college before Victoria was born.

Charlotte Bacon, 2/22/2006
Daniel Barden, 9/25/2005
Olivia Engel, 7/18/2006
Josephine Gay, 12/11/2005
Ana M Marquez-Greene, 4/4/2006
Dylan Hockley, 3/8/2006
Madeleine F Hsu, 7/10/2006
Catherine V Hubbard, 6/8/2006
Chase Kowalski, 10/31/2005
Jesse Lewis, 6/30/2006
James Mattioli, 3/22/2006
Grace McDonnell, 11/4/2005
Emilie Parker, 5/12/2006
Jack Pinto, 5/6/2006
Noah Pozner, 11/20/2006
Caroline Previdi, 9/7/2006
Jessica Rekos, 5/10/2006
Avielle Richman, 10/17/2006
Benjamin Wheeler, 9/12/2006
Allison N Wyatt, 7/3/2006

Adult Sandy Hook Elementary Victims:
Rachel Davino, 7/17/1983
Dawn Hocksprung, 6/28/1965
Anne Marie Murphy, 7/25/1960
Lauren Russeau, 6/8/1982
March Sherlach, 2/11/1956
Victoria Soto, 11/04/1985



I'm looking for the good because if I only focus on the evil it's harder to focus on the lives of the victims

Newtown, CT

This city, once known to me as a place where a friend lives, is now infamous.

I'm a parent of school aged children.  My mommy heart broke yesterday.  I cried.  I prayed.  I got angry.  I cried some more.  I prayed continually.  30 minutes after I started hearing reports of what happened and I looked at my watch.  It was 11:10am.  My son's Kindergarten class has lunch at 11:20 and parents are always welcomed to have lunch with their students.  I quickly grabbed my 4 year old and told her we were having lunch with her brother at school.  Honestly, even though I gave my son a hug and told him, "I love you" as I walked him to his class yesterday morning I just needed to see him, hug him and tell him, "I love you" again.

As I cried and prayed and prayed and cried yesterday I was thankful that my friend's kids were safe, at a different elementary school in Newtown.  I was thankful I knew where both of my babies were and I was able to tuck them in, hug them, and tell them, "I love you" last night.   I also started thinking about  Moms in Prayer.  Moms in Prayer used to be called Moms in Touch and it's essentially a group of moms who gather every week to pray for their child's school.  I am incredibly thankful for the women I connected with through the Find a Group link on the Moms in Prayer website.   As I was thinking about my own MIP group I got curious and wondered if there was a group at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, CT.  I was saddened to hear there wasn't.  I can't think of a school in our country that needs Jesus more right now than that one and I am praying that God raises up moms to gather and interceed for this school on a regular basis, after the media attention dies down and those of us who weren't personally affected go on with our lives.

The State Coordinator in my state led a group of women from my MOMS group at church in a study of Power of a Praying Parent a couple years back that really helped open my eyes to the power of prayer.  My oldest was about 4 at the time, but remembering the lessons learned that year I knew that when my oldest started Kindergarten this year I wanted to be part of a MIP group so I looked one up and was able to find one for my son's school.

I'm not saying that the horrible tragedy at Sandy Hook would've been prevented if there had been moms interceeding for that school, but I know that it gives me great comfort knowing I'm sending my child to a school that is regularly bathed in prayer by powerful women.

If you are a mom have kids in school I'd highly encourage you to gather with other moms to pray for the teachers, the staff and the students at your child's school. 

Going to my meetings isn't convenient because I have to bring my 4 year old daughter (the only child who attends so I make sure she has coloring books, crayons and books to keep her entertained and quiet while we pray), but it is something I am committed to and grateful for because I believe in the power of prayer.

I don't know if we'll ever truly know the answer to the "Why????" question so many of us (myself included) are asking, but I'm just clinging to the promises of God right now that He will never leave us or forsake us.

Please join me in continuing to pray for Sandy Hook and the entire community of Newtown, CT as they heal.  It's going to be a long process and one that continues for years after the national spotlight is off of them, but we know that Jesus is the Prince of Peace and I'm just begging Him that He will give that town a peace that transcends all understanding.

Grace

It's more than a girl's name.

In this past year I have learned a lot about grace.  Recently I wrote about the women who most inspired me in 2012.    Today I posted a link on my facebook page that sparked an interesting conversation.

One of the friends who commented was my long time college friend who shocked his wife of 14 years when he told her he wanted out.  I am incredibly proud of both of my friends as they walk this journey.  I'm proud of my long-time guy friend for getting help and, as I've said before, I'm extremely inspired by her willingness to be obedient and forgive even when it's painful and not rational.

I let my male friend know that I am praying for his family and that I am proud he is seeking help to change himself and improve his marriage.   As I was trying to encourage him I started thinking a lot about grace.  I fully admit that the grace I'm extending my friend in the aftermath of his choices is 100% because we have a history that goes back 18 years to two college freshman who met the first night we could move into our dorms.  If pretty much any other girlfriend had told me what his wife did I don't know if I would've extended him any grace . . .

I started thinking about the grace I'm extending this friend and realizing that it shouldn't matter whether it's someone I've known half my life (EEEK!!!!) of if it's someone I've never met.  

I told my friend tonight that a wise man I know once said to let him who is without sin cast the first stone and I have no stones to cast.  While I was being 100% honest that I have no stones to cast at him I started wondering if I'm (silently) casting stones at others who need grace or if I'm being stingy with it and only extending this gift that has been extended to me to those I care about.

I know the answer and it's not pretty.

Now that I've admitted it, what am I going to do about it?  The answer is easy, but living it out won't be . . .

Where would you go?

You know those "ice breaker" questions that ask things like, "If you could be any animal what would you be?" or "If you could have dinner with any person, past or present, who would it be?"

Saturday night my husband were on the freeway listening to the radio and I told him, "You know that icebreaker question about, 'If you could travel to any moment in history where would you go?'"   He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Um . . . ok??" since it was obvious he didn't know where I was going with this question that seemingly came up out of the blue.

The weekend before my kids and I went with friends to a nursing home/rehab facility to do some Christmas caroling.  As we sang the second verse of "Silent Night" I had tears in my eyes imagining what it must've been like that night:

Silent Night! Holy Night!
Shepherd's quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing, "Hallelujah!"
Christ the Savior is born! Christ the Savior is born!

O Holy Night was playing on the radio Saturday night when my husband and I were in the car and I just couldn't help but start trying to imagine what it would've been like to be one of the shepherds in the field that night who were alerted to the greatest birth in history so I finished my thought and told my husband, "If I could travel to any moment in history THIS night being sung about would be it . . . "

How Parenthood Changed Christmas

Ever since I became a parent Christmas has changed for me.   Aside from the obvious of watching the magic of Christmas through my children's eyes parenthood has changed how I view Mary, Joseph and their roles in Jesus' arrival.

As a woman who has been very pregnant (my son was born at 41wks, 1 days and my daugter was born at 39 wks, 6 days) I can imagine how uncomfortable Mary was on the donkey as she and Joseph travelled to Bethlehem. 

In my experience one of the privleges that comes with being pregnant is the way people went out of their way to extend courtesies such as givng me their seat in a crowded restaurant lobby.  Mary and Joseph apparently couldn't find someone who would give up a room for them (I'm guessing this might be because they were unmarried??).  We know they were travelling for the census so I'm guessing there must been other family members with them.  None of them were willing to let Mary and Joseph stay with them?  Was their family shunning them, not believing Joseph & Mary when they said Mary was a virgin?

I was fortunate enough to give birth in the age of the epidural (props to you who have done the natural childbirth thing, the closest I got was refusing induction twice and narrowly avoiding a c-section with my first) , but I can only imagine how scary it must've been for these first time parents as Mary gave birth in a dirty barn. Mary didn't have caring nurses wrapping her baby in clean blankets in a clean room, she had to make do with what she had available. We're not told if these young parents had anyone else with them, assisting in Jesus' birth

One of my favorite Christmas songs is Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song) where Amy Grant puts herself in Mary's shoes.  In recent years MercyMe has recorded their own song from Joseph's perspective.  Songs like these and Mary, Did You Know? show that I'm not the first one to wonder what it was like for the two who were entrusted with raising Jesus.

Every parent I know is overwhelmed by their responsibilities, especially with their first, but how much more did Joseph & Mary feel knowing they were raising the Son of God?

We know Jesus never sinned (can I say I'm jealous Mary never had to deal with the "terrible twos"?), but what kind of baby was he? What would it have been like to raise this child knowing who He was?  Did they feel (even more) pressure than other parents to raise him correctly?

I know we don't know anything about Joseph after Jesus was at the temple when he was 12.  As a mom I can't even begin to fathom how horribly heart wrenching it must've been for Mary to watch Jesus be crucified.

Now that I'm a parent I can't help but look at a nativity scene and wonder about the young couple who wrapped their baby in swaddling clothes that night in Bethlehem.

Inspired!

I started out 2012 feeling like there was a life lesson to be learned, but that I just couldn't grasp what it was.  Because of separate incidents that occured in the same area of my life I just KNEW there was something I was supposed to be learning, but I just couldn't figure out what it was. 

As the year progressed my quest for this big "answer" never really got anwered, or at least not answered in an easy to sum up "What I Learned in 2012" facebook status (Not even this blog is big enough), but one thing I did learn is that there are amazing people in my life who can teach me lessons and help me grow as a person, even when they're not trying to.   Just through observing the lives of 3 friends in particular this year I have come away inspired.  Only one of these women has chosen the challenge she's faced this year, but all three of them have climbed some pretty big mountains this year (like Mt. Everest sized mountains).   Watching them struggle, stumble, succeed, and learn has caused me to look at the challenges in my own life and know they're not impossible.

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About this time last year I, along with a few others, received an e-mail from a friend of ours who had found a lump in her breast.  In the first few business days of 2012 my friend was in her car, on the freeway, when she received the offical diagnosis of breast cancer. Through her journey I have followed her progress on facebook where she's been extremely transparent about the good days and bad.  Since her diagnosis in January my friend has faced a mastectomy, chemo and finally reconstruction with a grace that just absolutely astounds me.  I've followed Jesus for about half of my life now and I have NEVER seen anyone handle adversity the way this friend has been.  This friend "works the room" whenever she has an appointment at her oncologists, at chemo, at  Herceptin treatments, at the plastic surgeon, etc.  My friend wants to get to know other women who are on the same journey with her so they can encourage each other.  My friend sees her cancer diagnosis as a journey to encourage others and bring them together.  My friend knows there is a purpose to her battle and is just being her (extremely extroverted) self as she goes along side other women in her (lack of) a bra.

In addition to encouraging others who are facing breast cancer, my friend is being very real and open about breast cancer for those of us who have never walked closely with someone during their treatment so that we would be able to have more empathy for those on this journey and so that we could be more educated.

Interestingly enough this same friend had finished chemo before she even made her diagnosis public on her regular facebook page (After 25+ years in marketing and media she knows A LOT of people)!

Whether she realizes it or not this friend's example should be the basis of a book titled "How to Handle Cancer and any other Life Altering Event"

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The only friend from this list who chose her battle is a rockstar. Ok, not literally, but she's cooler than pretty much any rock star I can think of.  Bon Jovi is cool and everything but is he a mom to 4 kids, actively involved in church, cook well enough to be a chef at his own restaurant, maintain his own blog . . . and oh yeah . . . complete an Ironman?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  That's why Missy from Sugar Coated Athlete is cooler than a rock star.

I'm not an athlete and I don't like to bake (I sure as heck  LOVE to eat sweets, though so if you want to bake me some I'll be home waiting for you!!!), but I read Missy's blog almost every day.  Seeing the workouts she does, the food she cooks, and the way she makes me laugh out loud while I'm reading her blog all inspire me.

You can read about Missy's journey to the finish line of the Arizona Ironman on her blog, but briefly it has included crashes, a trip to the ER, a long, HOT, very long, VERY HOT Phoenix summer, vacation, selling a house/moving a family of 6, potty training a toddler, and other normal life stuff that occurs when you're married and have 4 kids.

I've often said I don't have time to work out because of my kids.  Well . . . Missy has 2 more kids than I do, blogs more often than I do and still can ride her bike 90 miles on a Saturday afternoon.  What's my excuse? Yeah, I don't have one.

If Missy can train for an Ironman (quick education: An Ironman course is a 2.4mi swim, 112 mi bike ride and as if that weren't enough for one day . . . there's a full 26.2mi marathon at the end just for kicks).   I can't even run to the end of my street if I turn left out of my driveway.  (I totally kick butt when I run to the end of my street by hanging a right out of my driveway because my house IS at the end of the street)

Missy has inspired me to get off the couch and get moving!  I have no desire to ever be an Ironman, but I KNOW I'm capable of achieving my goals with enough determination and grit.

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When your husband of 14 years tells you there's someone else and he wants you and the kids to "set him free" how would you handle it?

One friend found out this fall.  Like me she said she'd always considered this marital issue to be a "deal breaker".   Through her blog and her facebook page I watched a true miracle occur when her husband (also a friend of mine.  Actually, he's one of my good friends from college and only know her as a result of her being his wife) changed his mind and decided he was willing to work it out with his wife.  I have prayed (and am continuing to pray) fervently for this couple and the reconciliation process. 

As with my friend who is just finishing up her battle with cancer I never want to find out if I'm as strong as this friend is.  I never want to find myself where I have to forgive so much and be tortured with the thoughts she is.

In the two years prior to the path this couple is walking now they've dealt with a deployment (they're a military family), their 8 year old having a brain tumor and a move.  (Their son just turned 10 and is doing great!).   Recently this family was rocked by the sudden passing of his mom and now their household is dealing with mono.

I have read my friend's blog posts and I am amazed at the faith she is showing in the midst of all this . . . YUCK.  I know God is growing her and He is changing her.   Watching her strength in the midst of this "It could never happen to us" crisis has been inspiring.  Through her blog and her facebook page I have watched her struggle with living out the Biblical commandment to forgive, while simultaneously wondering if I could forgive if I found myself in her situation and praying I never have to experience what she is facing.

Because her husband is a longtime friend of mine and because I've developed a friendship with her online in recent years I am rooting for this couple and cheering them, praying that they're able to have a marriage that thrives again!  I know this is not an easy road for them, but the fact they've made it this far and are continuing to work things out is incredibly inspring.  It's easy for me, or others, to tell them how they should handle things right now, but since I haven't ever been asked to forgive something so peronal I know all I can offer are prayers and encouragement.




I am blessed to know some amazing people but thanks to the internet I have watched as these three have climbed Mt. Everest (or maybe the entire Himilayan range) this year.  I know the journey isn't over, yet (especially for my friends dealing with healing their marriage), but the fact that they're all still laughing is encouraging in and of itself!

In the beginning . . .

Writing the story of the ornaments my husband bought after our second date and knowing this was the time of year our story began has made me a bit sentimental (especially since I'm very aware that this week marks 10 years together and I think it's a milestone worth noting).

Here is the first picture taken of us (on our second date), at his company Christmas party:

December, 2002

The most recent picture I have of us was taken by Over the Moon Photography last year during our family pictures.


October, 2011

Ornament a year . . .

My husband and I had our first date on December 8, 2002 meaning, as of Saturday, we'll have been together for 10 years! Yay us! :)

Because I was working full time as a flight attendant and part-time at a Christian bookstore when we met we didn't have a lot of time to spend together in the beginning, especially since the holidays are a notoriously busy time in the airline industry and he'd already made travel plans for the last 2 weeks of December.

The first thing my husband invited me to was his company Christmas party, which was supposed to be our first date.  Because there were about 10 days between the time he invited me to the party and the day it was scheduled, we ended up going out to dinner once in between.   With our conflicting schedules around Christmas and New Year's Eve we had known that after the weekend of his work party we wouldn't see each other until after the 1st of the year.

After one of our first two dates we were in my apartment and I was showing him the ornaments I had for my first ever tree (This was the first time I'd ever lived alone, without roommates).  All of the ornaments on my tree were ones given to me by relatives when I was a kid or by friends when I was in high school and college and I told him the story of each one.

Because he knew he would be gone for a scheduled visit to his parents' house for Christmas and then a previously scheduled New Year's Eve party at his best friend's house out of town my (now) husband left my Christmas gift with the mutual friend who had introduced us.

After only two dates this was the first ever gift my husband bought me:

After we became engaged in September, 2003 he showed me this ornament he bought at the same time he bought the first one

Needless to say a tradition was born pretty quickly :)
 
Interestingly enough, just a few days after I had set up our tree in 2005 we found out we were expecting our oldest so we have an ornament to mark that occasion, too.  When I went to Target to buy a confirmatory pregnancy test I also picked up an ornament that was a gift box that opened.  I put a note inside with the date and saying we got our present early that year in finding out we're going to become parents.  I also bought a gender neutral stocking ornament that day.   I will take pictures of those and add them to this post later.

Every year I buy an ornament that represents my husband and I and one for each of the kids.  Starting at about age 2 I let the kids pick their own out.  Some of their choices have surprised me, but I love hearing their reasons why.  I stick a note in the ornament box saying who picked out the ornament and why so I'll always remember.

My favorite part of decorating the tree each December is pulling out the ornaments and taking a trip down memory lane.   Here are a few of my favorites:



After my husband were pronounced "husband and wife" at our wedding we left the church for our reception to Smashmouth's rendition of I'm a Believer from the movie Shrek.

This was my husband's boutonnier from our wedding inside a plastic ornament ball I'd bought at Michael's

Why Santa Doesn't Live Here

2 years ago I wrote an entry I titled Santa Doesn't Live Here.  As I was re-reading it today I realized I didn't answer the "Why?" question we get so often.

Before I explain I want to add this disclaimer . . . Every family has to make their own decisions on things like this.  This is how/why our family does Christmas and I'm not trying to get into a "Mommy War" if your family does something different because I don't think it's a "right/wrong" issue.

First and foremost we don't do Santa because we don't want to lie to our kids and, in our minds, it's lying.  We feel hypocritical punishing our kids for lying and teaching them lying is wrong when we're doing it ourselves.  I know others tell us it's "Just a game", but to us it's still lying

Secondly, because we don't make a big deal of the commercial/material side of Christmas it doesn't really fit into our philosophy to be buying our kids two sets of presents: one from Santa and one from Mom and Dad.   We're on a pretty tight budget and our kids generally don't have much under the tree so I want all the credit ;) 

Also, this way I don't have to worry about older cousins, siblings or friends from school "ruining" it for my kids since I vividly remember discussions on the playground about, "My sister said there is no Santa".  As the oldest sibling and cousin I remember my mom pulling me aside when I was about 4th grade and saying, "You know there's no Santa, right?"  I told her I learned it at school already and she said, "Ok, just don't tell your sister or cousins".

When I was in college, and a new Christian, a friend was saying his family didn't do Santa when he was growing up because his parents didn't want the kids to make the correlation that if Mom and Dad were lying about Santa they must be lying about Jesus, too.   His point made sense in the fact that there is more "evidence" (to a kid) for Santa.  Santa is at the mall, Santa is on wrapping paper, NORAD tracks Santa on Christmas Eve, seemingly everyone believes in Santa, there are presents under the tree from Santa, etc.   On the other hand, not everyone believes in Jesus, you can't see Him, you only hear about Him at church, He's not mentioned on the news, etc.

(Ironically the same friend is now a dad and he and his wife have decided Santa does live at their house)

This point was driven home to me about a year ago when I saw this meme making it's way around the internet:
 

Our faith is extremely important to us and, as I've written before, we're (attempting) to leave a legacy of faith for our kids.  365 days a year Jesus comes up in natural conversation around our home and our faith is something we try to live by example.  We don't want to confuse our kids by throwing fictional characters they do see with a God who is unseen but VERY real.

How will be be celebrating without the man in red?

We will go to a Christmas Eve service at church (probably on the 22nd or 23rd to leave space on the 24th for others), but we go to church every week so this will be just another week of church for our kids.  On Christmas Eve we'll sing Happy Birthday to Jesus and blow out candles on a cake we've made for Him (but we get to eat it since He's in heaven).  Christmas morning we'll wake up and go into the living room in our pj's.  Before we do anything else we'll have a small Bible study where my husband will read Luke, chapter 2 to us and we'll discuss Jesus' birth with the kids and explain we give presents on Christmas as a symbol of the gifts Jesus received from the Magi, as well as the ultimate gift God gave us in His Son.

This year we'll be adding a new nightly tradition inspired by my friend, Korri.   This morning I bought a 4.5ft Christmas tree we'll be using specifically as an Advent tree.  I spent the afternoon labeling the ornaments and I can't wait until we start having this devotional time with our kids every evening, discussing the names of God as we prepare to celebrate the greatest gift the Earth has ever known!  (I may blog again about the tree after we get going and after I take a few pictures)

We've got a few other tricks up our sleeve, too, but this is just a glimpse of why and how we celebrate Christmas without Santa. 

If Santa is part of your Christmas tradition I'm not judging you in the least and you can just thank me for being one less person at the mall in line with her kids to get their picture taken with a bearded fat man :)

Leaving a Legacy

"These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." Deuteronomy 6:6,7

 

Last weekend we attended the memorial service of an amazing woman who left a tremendous legacy of faith for her kids, grandkids and great grandkids.  We all leave a legacy to our kids and my husband and I want to leave a legacy of faith, compassion and prayer for our kids.

Here are a few ways we're trying to live out this teaching in our family and leave a lasting legacy for our family while talking about the things of God throughout our day:

 

 

We have a cup that sits on our kitchen table that contains craft sticks.  Each craft stick has the name of friends who live overseas, our kids' teachers, the preschool director at church or our pastor. Currently there are 11 sticks. Eventually we're going to start adding other friends and family members who need prayer.  Each night before dinner one of the kids gets to "pick a stick" and we take turns praying for that person or family.  We have been doing this for about 2 months and it's worked out very well.  The kids love picking the stick so much that it's become a reward for winning the nightly manners game we learned from a friend.   This has been a wonderful time of hearing our kids hearts as we lift up others in prayer.

We have this large map hanging in our hallway.  This hallway is the gateway to our bedrooms and our office/guest room so we all pass it multiple times per day.  This is phase one of what will be our "global wall".   Right now I'm working on getting shelves to display items we've been given, or personally collected, from around the world. We also want to have pictures of the friends who we pray for surrounding it.  Our kids are simultaneously learning about where friends live and world geography.  (The first several weeks we had this map the kids would find a flag in the pictures surrounding the map and would ask me where that country is).



Our daughter's Bible is being held together by duct tape from it's nightly use

Like most parents we read our kids bedtime stories as part of our night time routine.   From the time our kids started getting a bedtime story it has always been from their Beginner's Bible.  We usually read 3 of these stories a night before prayer.  Our son turned 6 in August and has graduated to his "Big Boy Bible", though we keep his Beginner's Bible handy as a reference tool since he is so familiar with those stories (and has several of them memorized verbatim).  After Bible time is prayer time. 

Each child gets one on-one-time for Bible and prayer. When our oldest was 2 and our youngest was infant it made the most sense for my husband to tuck in our son while I nursed our daughter and rocked her to sleep.   4 years later my husband still does the bedtime routine with our oldest  most nights while I do it with our youngest, though we occasionally switch it up.

We by no means have everything figured out, but these are just some of the ways we're trying to talk with our kids about the things of God on a daily basis.


4/1/13 Update: We now have 17 sticks including our Compassion kids, members of the military and ministries we support.   The wall is almost complete and I couldn't be more excited!  There is still some work to be done: I still need to get shelves to display our items that can't be hung on the wall and I still have 2 more pictures to frame.  In addition to our friends who live overseas we also have pictures on the wall of our Compassion kids.

Here is a really bad cell phone picture of the global wall as it looked in January, before I had any of the pictures framed.  The hallway is very narrow so I couldn't get the entire thing in one shot.  The blank space above the wall will be for the shelves.



 

 

4/4/13 Update: The Global Wall project is now done and I couldn't be happier with the results!

Why We Chose Public School

This may the most controversial post I write and I don't really intend it to be because I know that there is no "one size fits all" answer for every kid and every family. Among my friends I know families who have made every school choice available: homeschool, private school, neighborhood public school, out of district public school, public traditional school and charter schools.  I even know some families that have different options for different kids (ex: one child in public school and one in private school). I know every family has made the decisions they have for specific reasons and many feel they are called to make the decisions they have regarding their child's education.  To me this isn't a right/wrong issue . . . it's a choice.

Here in Arizona we have a lot of freedom when it comes to school choice.  Basically, as long as there is room in a school, any student can apply for open enrollment at whatever public school they want.  Also, because of the way our charter school laws are written there are A LOT of choices for those.  It's almost mind boggling how many choices there are when it comes to the best school for your children.

Our oldest started Kindergarten in August so we've made our first venture into school this year (aside from the 2 years of preschool he had at a church preschool) so my husband and I are well versed in the choices available to us.   After weighing our options here's why we made the decisions we did:

a) We bought our house with the school in mind.  This is definitely NOT our dream house and there are things we'd change (including what we get for our money by living here), but we chose this neighborhood specifically for the schools.

b) We want our kids school friends to be their neighborhood friends.  We go to church about 25 miles from our home and so our kids' church friends don't live close enough to get together frequently.  We want to be able to have our kids' school friends over, and for our kids to hang out with their school friends in the neighborhood, without it requiring major driving on behalf of either set of parents.

c) We want our kids to get used to being "in the world".  We want our kids to be under our roof, where we can help them with their struggles, when they are exposed to ideas that may not necessarily be taught in our home.  We feel that they're going to have to eventually enter the "real world" and we want to be able to walk along side them, and guide them, as they realize what it means to follow Jesus in our culture.   

d) We want our kids to be salt and light to the world around them and we feel if they are only around people who believe the same way we do they won't be building relationships and be able to introduce their friends to Jesus.  I was an education major and had planned on teaching in a public school.  It's a very long story as to why I never taught, aside from my student teaching, but my reasons for wanting to teach in a public school are the same reasons I want my kids to attend one.   It's no secret that our schools can be a very dark place and that's why Jesus has told us to be a light to the world.  If all the light (Christian students and teachers) are removed from the public schools they will be even darker and we want to be part of the illumination that occurs.  

e) We are aware that there may be things taught, or said, that are in direct opposition to our belief system.  When this happens (because I know it will at some point) we are going to use it as a teachable moment for our kids about standing up for what is right.


These are just some of the reasons we've made the decision to send our son (and eventually our daughter) to the neighborhood school.  As with all things related to parenting, the situation is fluid and we're not ruling out another option down the road, but this is where we are right now.  If circumstances change and we feel it becomes necessary to re-evaluate our decision we will and we'll be confident that that is the best decision for our child at the time.

Somewhere out there . . .

I started following Christ when I was a freshman in college.  While in school I was introduced to the concept of praying for my husband, even though I didn't know who he was.  I thought the concept was good and I'd occasionally remember to do it, but it wasn't anything I did regularly.

A few years later I was at a conference and the speaker talked about how, when he was single, he picked a star in the sky to be his reminder to pray for his (future) wife.  This man wasn't talking about "Wishing upon a star", but he used the star as a reminder to pray to the One who created the stars for the woman he would eventually shar his life with.  Since I'd already proven to myself I wasn't very good at remembering to pray for someone I'd never met I latched on to this idea and decided to adopt it myself.  I picked the middle star in Orion's belt.

Though I didn't know it at the time, on November 8, 2002 God introduced me to the man I had been praying for.  Our first date was December 8, 2002 and we both knew fairly quickly this was "it".  In March, 2003 my (now) husband told me he knew he was going to marry me, but he wasn't ready to ask me, yet.  (Aside: 9.5 years and two kids later I still think that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard because were 26 and 36, he had a steady job, he owned his own home and I couldn't think of a single thing to wait for, but that's a story for another day. After we got engaged I told him how I felt back then and he still thinks it's hilarious; in fact, he tells me if he'd known how ridiculous I thought it was he would've waitied longer to propose. Goof.)

Memorial Day weekend, 2003 we loaded up my (now) husband's Nissan Xterra and headed for the mountains.  We didn't really have a plan, we just wanted to get out of the Phoenix heat and spend time together (I worked one full time job as a flight attendant and a part time job working retail so I had insane hours and we didn't have much free time together).  One of the ideas we'd talked about was just throwing a couple of sleeping bags in the truck and sleeping there.

Eventually we made our way to far Eastern Arizona and ended up camping there the entire weekend.  I had never been to that part of the state and immediately fell in love with it. (I was already in love with the guy I was with!)  One night during our trip we found our way to a meadow where we were just staring at the stars and talking.  Even though we couldn't see it in the summer sky, during that conversation I told him about Orion's belt and how I'd used that as my visual cue to pray for him.

This past week our little family of 4 rented a cabin about 20 minutes from that campsite that is so special to me.   As we were getting out of the car after dinner last night I looked up at the night sky for the first time all week.  Whether it was because of the time of year or time of night I couldn't quickly find Orion (it was COLD and wanted to get the kids in bed so I didn't look long), but I told our 6 year old and our 4 year old about how I prayed for Daddy years before we met.

Last night as I tucked my 4 year old into bed she and I prayed for her husband.  Orion and Eastern Arizona are significant in the story my husband and I share.  Now every time I see that constellation, or am in that part of the state, I am going to pray for two more I haven't met, yet: my future daughter-in-law and my future son-in-law.

Just a Mom

I've always been fairly confident in the decision my husband and I made, before getting married, that I would stay at home while our kids were little and I would not work outside the home until our kids were in school.

Now that my kids are getting older and my social circle is expanding from my friends to parents of my kids' friends I am often finding myself the only mom in the room who doesn't earn a paycheck and admit that when the question is asked of me,  "What do you do?" I shyly admit, "I'm just a mom".  I see the looks and hear the unspoken words from these moms who have "real" jobs and my confidence in our decision gets shaken.

In addition to the new experiences of my expanded social circle, for several years I have looked around at what others my age have accomplished professionally and I can't help by wonder, "What have I done with my life?"  I have a degree in a field I'm no longer interested in entering.  I worked up until just before the arrival of my oldest, but I've just had "jobs" and I've never had a career.  I have come to the realization that I will probably never have a career, even when I do re-enter the work force and get a job outside of the home.

In short, I have started to see my role as "just a mom" as one that is less than my peers who work outside the home and are wonderful parents.

Last week an amazing godly woman was called home to be with Jesus and I spent time this week thinking about her legacy.  I don't know if she worked outside the home while her children were young.  I don't much of her story, but I have spent time with her at family gatherings for as long as I've known my husband.  I didn't know "GG" well, but I know some of her kids, her grandkids and her great-grandkids and I know the legacy she and her husband built has impacted countless thousands of lives for all eternity.

GG has one daughter who has been as a missionary overseas her entire adult life serving children who desperately need Jesus' love and compassion.  GG's daughter has been Jesus' hands, feet, arms, and so much else to these children for several decades and the lives she has touched have been changed for all eternity.  I honestly don't ever remember having met this daughter (maybe a brief introduction once), but I know her family and I've heard of her and her work for years.

GG has another daughter who I know primarily as my friends' mom. My friends' mom is the board of directors for a missions organization and is the missions director at her church.  My friends' mom has raised a son and daughter who love Jesus, who serve Him in their community and who are raising their kids in the Truth.  I count both of her children as friends.

One of GG's grandsons and his wife are close friends of ours.  My husband and GG's grandson grew up in the same church together and have a friendship that has lasted decades.  GG's grandson taught at a Christian school and was a youth pastor for many years before he and his family went on the mission field.  Now Stateside this man is a pastor leading his own congregation. 

GG's granddaughter is also a friend and she is raising her family in the same church she grew up in.   While not in vocational ministry GG's granddaughter is serving her Jesus and is a light in her community to those who know her. GG's granddaughter and her husband have two young kids who they are raising in God's Truth.

GG has 4 great-grandchildren ranging in age from 19-2 and I can only imagine the future God has in store for them.

This amazing legacy of faith that has spanned several generations, multiple continents and to countless thousands of lives is all because one couple loved Jesus and demonstrated that love to their children.

While this legacy can (and IS) left by families where both parents work, single parent families where working is the only way to put food on the table and everything in between, it has caused me to re-think how I view myself and my role as Mom.

No matter if I one day have a job that out earns my husband's or if I never earn a paycheck again, I look at GG's life and remember that parenthood has an eternal impact for generations to come.

I am not "just a mom" . . . I am a woman who is one half of a couple raising our kids for eternity and praying we leave a legacy of Christ followers that lasts for generations to come.

The day the Lord has made!

"This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 119:24

Today is September 11, 2012

Almost all of us, over about the age of 16 remember where we were, what we were doing and who we were  with when we heard about the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, D.C.

I was a flight attendant with America West Airlines and I happened to have the day off.  Less than 2 weeks earlier I had moved and was living with a new roommate, in the townhouse she owned.  My roommate (Kristina) was also a flight attendant and we were both accustomed to working red-eye flights and going to bed at odd hours, even on our days off so when the phone rang very early (probably around 6:30) I didn't get out of bed to answer it.  Because I knew by the distinctive ring that the call was from one of my roommate's friends or family I stayed in bed wondering who would call her on our home phone this early, knowing we were day sleepers and rolled back over to get more sleep before having to start my day.

I don't know how long it was after the phone rang, but at some point afterwards Kristina opened my bedroom door and woke me up by saying, "There's been a terrorist attack on U.S. soil".   "Huh?" Her words registered, but it sounded so foreign and so far out of anything I'd ever considered that it took me a few minutes, plus I had just woken up after only having a couple of hours sleep so I spent a moment trying to shake off the sleep and attempt to comprehend what she'd just told me.

The phone call I'd ignored was Kristina's dad telling her to turn on the news.  We didn't have cable, and the only TV in our house was upstairs in her loft bedroom so we spent the next several hours watching TV while fielding phone calls from concerned friends and family wanting to find out if we were home or if we were working.  While we fielded phone calls on our cell phones and our home phone we also were making outgoing phone calls to check on our friends who also worked in the industry.  At one point I looked at the date on my phone and saw it was 9-11.  Weird.

Kristina had a guy friend (who is now her husband and theirs was the wedding I'd attended the night I met my husband) who landed at Boston's Logan airport just as American Flight 11 was taxiing down the runway for it's doomed flight.

As Kristina and I sat on her bed while news reporters tried to make sense of the attacks Kristina and I knew  what nobody else was saying: We KNEW the pilots were dead, and were not in control of their aircraft, when those planes hit their targets.   Having worked in the airline industry for 3 years we knew that there was NO WAY the pilots would've crashed the planes into those buildings while they were alive.   We knew, even with a gun to their head, the pilots would've crashed their aircraft into the Hudson before killing innocents on the ground.

As the reports came in about United 93 our first reaction was that the pilots had taken it down in an effort to save lives on the ground because we'd learned a few things about pilots in our day and we KNEW there wasn't a pilot out there who would commit these heinous acts, even under duress.

As the day progressed we knew our loved ones were on the ground and we had to continue living in the real world. (As an aside, I remember going to Wal-Mart at 9:30 that night to buy a toothbrush and feeling guilty for doing something so routine on such a horrific day when so many people had lost their lives.)

If I remember correctly Kristina had a dentist appointment.  I was scheduled to work at my part-time job at a Christian bookstore.   Two things from my afternoon shift stand out to me.  I remember talking with people about how the world changed that day for all of us and I remember saying, "No.  The world didn't change.  Our perception of the world has changed.  The world has always been an evil, fallen place.  The only thing that's changed is we thought we were immune to these problems that happen in other places"

I also remember ringing up a lady's purchases and as I placed her items in the bag I noticed one of the things she had bought was a plaque with Psalm 118: 24 on it "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."  In that moment I felt God speaking to me and reminding me that even on a day as dark as that one He is still God and He is still in control.  Regardless of my circumstances He is still God, He is still in control and every day is a day He has made.   Evil may seem to take over, but God is still God.

For the past 11 years every time I see that verse I am reminded of that moment and God's message to me.  No matter what circumstances you're facing right now remember that today is the day the LORD has made and we are to rejoice and be glad in it.

When Life Gives You Lemons . . .

You  make lemonade.  Right?  Wrong.

Friday night a friend was blindsided by the devastating news that, after 14 years of marriage, her husband has been having an affair and wants a divorce.  Ironically Thursday this same friend had written a blog post about handling life's rough situations.  Saturday morning, before her news was known to all of her friends, her Facebook post started by saying, "Figures I'd post about rolling with the punches and life decided to hand me lemons the next day."

Saturday afternoon I received a message from her in my Facebook messages explaining the situation and my heart broke for her.  I spent most of yesterday in shock and in prayer for this family.

As I was falling asleep last night, my friend and her family heavy on my heart, I started thinking about life and getting an entire lemon tree dumped on you.   I started thinking of the lemon tree in my backyard that exploded last year leaving us over 100lbs of lemons.

Immediately after the first round of picking

 After I looked at this bounty I knew there was no way I was going to be able to use all of those lemons before they went bad.   My 5 year old son and I took his wagon and went door to door asking neighbors if they wanted lemons and giving them away. 

After more picking + going door to door  giving them away

As I was praying for my friend and thinking about our lemon tree explosion I started thinking that, instead of making lemonade, God wants us to cast all our burdens on Him and have others come beside us in prayer when we're going through difficult seasons in life.   In other words . . . when life gives us lemons we need to give them away :)



By the way, by the looks of our tree, we're going to have another bountiful harvest this winter so I'll be more than happy to share my lemons with you :)

What I'm Reading

Hello again!  If this just popped up in your reader you're probably wondering, "Heidi still HAS a blog?"  Yeah, it's been ignored lately. Life happens and writing gets pushed aside . . .

I'm an avid reader.  Always have been.  My husband bought me a Kindle for Christmas and I'm in love.  I was a Kindle hold out for years, thinking that I just love books too much to switch to an e-reader.  I love reading, but I also love holding a book, seeing the words on paper and having a full bookshelf to show off how well read I am :)  I'm out of bookshelf space since my kids feel the need to sleep in beds (crazy kids) and space for beds trumped space for Mom's books :(

The unexpected blessing of having a Kindle is FREE BOOKS! Two of my favorite words combined!  It's heaven on earth!

We've been laying low at home for the past week and I've had more time to read than I have in quite awhile so I took advantage of it.   In the past week I've finished 2 very powerful books that I can't stop thinking about and am in the middle of the 3rd.  All 3 are biographies of those who have survived some of the worst experiences a human can inflict on another.  While one deals with current affairs, two tackle periods of human history that cannot not (SHOULD not) be forgotten.  After I finish my current book I think I'm going to need some mindless fiction to take a break from the heavy subjects I've been tackling.

I "bought" all three books for free for my Kindle from Inspired Reads.

I stopped writing book reviews when my professors stopped requiring them ("book review" tries to sound more sophisticated than a 4th grade book report, doesn't it? Yeah, it's the same thing.  Hi, Dr. Helfers!) so all I'll say is all 3 books were great and I'd give them 5 stars if I were rating them on Amazon.  I'm listing them in the order in which I read them:


My Father, Maker of the Trees: How I Survived the Rwandan Genocide
Official Book Description:
My Father, Maker of the Trees is a story not only of surviving the Rwandan genocide--it is also a story of spiritual rebirth, healing, and redemption of a land and a people. This incredible true account shows readers the reality of evil in the world as well as the power of hope. Eric's message of God's relentless love through our darkest circumstances will encourage and inspire. Now available in trade paper.

Passport through Darkness: A True Story of Danger and Second Chances
Official Book Description: 

As she shares her extraordinary stories of fighting human trafficking as an ordinary mom, Kimberly Smith offers hope for readers who wonder if God is calling them to greater things.

Passport Through Darkness takes readers on Smith’s journey from normal family life and business, to Europe, to the deserts of Africa and ultimately, to the deserts of her own soul as she tries to live well as an imperfect American mom, crusade for justice for orphans around the world, and embrace God’s extraordinary dreams for her. When Kimberly and her husband risk everything to answer God’s call, they see God change and restore them—even amid exhaustion, marital struggles, and physical limitations.

This heartbreaking, heartlifting book is for anyone who longs to see God move their life from normal to one that matters. It is a call to readers to take one more step on their journey to know God’s heart

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While the World Watched: A Birmingham Bombing Survivor Comes of Age during the Civil Rights Movement
Official Book Description:
On September 15, 1963, a Klan-planted bomb went off in the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama. Fourteen-year-old Carolyn Maull was just a few feet away when the bomb exploded, killing four of her friends in the girl’s rest room she had just exited. It was one of the seminal moments in the Civil Rights movement, a sad day in American history . . . and the turning point in a young girl’s life. While the World Watched is a poignant and gripping eyewitness account of life in the Jim Crow South—from the bombings, riots and assassinations to the historic marches and triumphs that characterized the Civil Rights movement. A uniquely moving exploration of how racial relations have evolved over the past 5 decades, While the World Watched is an incredible testament to how far we’ve come and how far we have yet to go.



As an interesting side note . . . when I was describing While the World Watched to my husband the other night he asked me about another woman from Birmingham, Alabama who was growing up in the 60's: Condoleezza Rice.  My husband said he thought he had heard something about her and the church bombing that Carolyn Maull McKinstry survived.  After doing some research I found out Dr. Rice was a childhood playmate of victim Denise McNair.

What A Day!

Phew!

I'm glad it's almost 9 and all is quiet in my kids' rooms.  Today was a day.  Yes, I've had worse, but my venting today is too long for a facebook status so I came here :)

My husband had to go to CA for a meeting today, meaning he flew out at 7:30 this morning and was scheduled to fly back home at 8:05 tonight (which means he should be in the air right now).  Definitely a long and tiring day for him!  I am incredibly thankful for how hard he works to provide for our family as the only wage earner.

This morning, after the kids woke up, I had them grab several books and we all crawled into my bed where we read stories.  In my mind we were going to have a blissful morning spent cuddling and reading books.  The reality is the kids got ansty after 3 books and we moved onto the next activity.   My son's preschool class is planting flowers in the school flower bed and the students will be tending to the flowers for the remainder of the school year (about 6 weeks).  My son's teachers asked each student to bring in a flower this week to plant in the flower bed. Because of Good Friday my son doesn't have preschool Friday and tomorrow is the last day he'll attend this week so I knew we had to go buy his flower today.

We have been having problems with our dishwasher and the repairman was scheduled to come install a new motor today between 12-5.  I finally was able to get the kids fed, dressed, and out the door around 10 when my husband called saying he just received a phone call from the repairman asking if it was ok if he was early because he could be there in about 30 minutes.   I said, "Yes" and figured we could go buy my son's flower after rest.

After the kids had lunch and rested I tried getting them out the door, but again they were dragging their feet and we didn't actually leave for Home Depot until about 4pm.  The three of us fought the evening congestion around an industrial park to head to Home Depot--the closest store with a nursery.  Once at Home Depot my son picked out a marigold and we headed to our next few errands---Costco to get gas and then to the grocery store.  We got to the grocery store around 5pm and it was pretty crazy.  I managed to survive with some of my sanity in tact, considering at 5 and 3 my kids are too old to ride in the cart, but too young to not get distracted by all the interesting things in the grocery store.

The kids and I got home around 5:30 and I began to unload the groceries from the car while the kids ran inside.  Before I finished unloading the groceries I noticed my son had broken the flower off his marigold.  I had kept the potted plant in the front seat during our errands and I carried it inside once we got home telling him not to touch it, so I was a little frustrated knowing time was running out before he needed to deliver it to school.  I considered telling him, "I'm sorry.  You didn't listen to me and you broke it.  That's the plant you're going to take to school.  I'm sorry you won't have a pretty flower in the garden", but in the end I decided to load the kids back up and head back to the store.  Home Depot is only about 3 miles from the house, but the errand took us 45 minutes because of traffic.

I had been hoping to get the kids in bed early, but I didn't.  I did manage to feed them and get them in bed at their normal bed time (in part because we skipped baths tonight.  Shhh . . .don't tell anyone), but I was pretty emotionally drained from our hectic afternoon.  To top it off, when I picked up the mail I saw that I have been summonsed to serve jury duty with the City in May.   I guess I should be thankful I don't have to serve on my birthday, which is that same month :)

Holy Week traditions

According to the Christian calendar yesterday was Palm Sunday, the day Christians remember Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem where he was greeted by crowds praising him with cries of "Hosanna".  By the end of the week Jesus would be dead and buried a tomb belonging to Joseph of Arimathea.

I often imagine that Saturday as one of the darkest days in human history as Satan thought he had won by killing Jesus, not realizing the ultimate victory would come on Sunday!

My kids are now 5 and 3 and I love watching their faith grow and hearing them speak the Truth.  Last night at the dinner table we were discussing Easter and even my 3 year old was able to tell me we celebrate Easter because Jesus died for our sins and rose from the dead.  This morning I was in our spare room/office when my daughter came in, out of the blue, and said "Mommy!  Jesus is the Truth!"

I want to take time this week and help my kids focus on the meaning of Easter.  For the past few days I have been trying to think of different ways to prepare their young hearts and minds for the commemoration of the most important day in all of human history.  I would also like to establish some traditions for our family as we mark this monumental week. 

One friend and her husband participated in a reverse Lent project that they completed over the weekend. I love this idea so much that I'm going to discuss with my husband the possibility of doing it in our home next year.

Last week a friend posted a picture of this Easter garden and I immediately went to the store to get the necessary items.  The kids and I made our own on Thursday and we'll remove the stone on Sunday morning.   My son was quite concerned we were waiting so long (over a week) to roll the stone away because, "Mom! Jesus rose from the dead on the third day! Why are we waiting so long?"

Each night we read to our kids out of their children's Bible as their bedtime story.  Generally my husband reads to our son, while I read to our daughter.   We made sure last night to read them the story of Jesus' entry into Jerusalem and will continue to read the events of this important week each night.

Though we will not be having a Seder dinner I am thinking about making a special dinner on Thursday night to remember the Last Supper.

Because we go to a large church they hold Easter services on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.   Our family will attend church on Saturday night, leaving Sunday for our family celebration.

Sunday morning we will hunt for Resurrection Eggs and discuss the story of Easter as we open the eggs.

As I look forward to the week I'm left wondering about what other traditions we can establish and activities we can do to remind us of the ultimate sacrifice made on the cross and the incredible victory of Jesus conquering death.

What are some activities your family does to mark Easter?

The Best Policy?

Honesty is huge for me.  We don't do "fictional characters" in our house (Santa Claus, Elf on the Shelf, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc.) because we find it a bit hypocritical to teach our kids not to lie while we're lying to them (excuse me, "creating childhood magic"). I try to be truthful in all circumstances. I truly believe more is "caught than taught" and if I want my kids to grow up being truthful I need to be truthful.  Please don't ask me if I like your hair cut if you don't want me to tell you what I'm thinking (I'm a people pleaser by nature and nurture so I'll try to soften the blow because I don't want to upset you, but I won't lie).  Please don't ask me to be your alibi.  Please don't ask me to lie on your behalf.  It's that big of a deal to me.

While I may not see a lot of gray areas in right vs. wrong or truth vs. a lie I wonder how honest my life is.

Last night a friend posted a quote from a Christian book about anxiety on her facebook page.  As someone who has fought a life long battle with anxiety and depression, this book definitely piques my interest.  Adding to my desire to read this book is the fact my friend and I went to college with the author.   I didn't know him well, and our mutual friend warned me it will "SHOCK" me when I do start to read it because of the author's honesty and transparency.

I went to bed last night, not having read a word of this book, but wondering about the walls we all put up, and specifically about the barriers that keep me from being completely transparent.  I thought back to people I've known through the years and remember specific moments when frienships were formed.  I can't think of a single meaningful friendship that has been cemented without an initial moment of vulnerability.  The past year has been the hardest for me, when it comes to friendships, since I left the drama of jr. high and high school.  I've spent a lot of time over the past few months reflecting on why the girls I shared a floor with in the dorms my freshman year of college are still among my closest friends nearly 18 years later and why I struggle to make (and keep) friends now at 35.

In my mind it all boils down to honesty and transparency.   Living in close quarters and having one common bathroom shared by 30+ college freshman girls has a way of making you pretty transparent.  From first dates to break ups, illness and fights, we were REAL with each other because you can't live a lie 24/7/365 without going completely insane.  MTV's "Real World" even started each show saying it was what happened "When people stop being polite and start being real".  Through the ups and downs of moving away from home, picking a major, making a completely new set of friends, and living in tight quarters there were ugly moments but, like us, the moments were real.

Outside of my husband and kids I haven't been forced into a situation that requires such honesty in the 10 years since I had my last roommate.

This morning the same friend who posted the book quote last night shared a blog entitled Honest about Honesty.

As much as I try to live honestly I'm the lady who stood in front of the closet this morning for 5 minutes trying to figure out what shirt to wear to drop my 5 year old off at preschool knowing there would be other moms there and I wanted them to think I fit in with them.  Last night I was thinking about how it's the people who are most honest and vulnerable that I respect the most. The ones who let me come over when the floors haven't been cleaned in an embarassingly long time, the ones who don't get "made up" for play dates at the park, the ones who aren't afraid to admit their inner weaknesses, etc. THOSE are the people I admire, respect, and want to be like, but the truth is . . . . I'm the lady who plans her "cute" outfits for MWF when I know I'm going to see the other moms walking our 5 year olds to their preschool class because I want them to admire me.  I stress out over what to wear to a play date, but when I find the other mom's hair is in a messy pony tail I let out a big sigh of relief and remember . . . this is my friend.  I can let my guard down and keep my pony tail up.

The kicker is that, despite wrestling with the "what to wear" question for several moments this morning, I STILL went to preschool drop off looking like a slob a pretty accurate version of the real me.  Even though I actually woke up early enough to take a shower before dropping my son off (NEVER happens. I guess there is one benefit to last night's sleepless night) I spent the extra time on the computer and threw my hair in a wet pony tail as I walked out the door.  It was a bit chilly when we left the house so I grabbed one of my husband's old sweatshirts.   The other moms at school are lucky I had make-up on.

I struggle with with what others think of my weight (others must think I'm too lazy to go to the gym or am undisciplined in my eating habits.  They're right), my looks (can't do much about those--in my mind I'm still the heavy girl from jr. high and high school who didn't go on her first date until age 20 and who didn't have her first real boyfriend until 26), my house (I will not be winning any domestic goddess of the year awards.  I'm lazy and I'd rather facebook than clean), my kids' behavior, (how come I'm the only one at Target barking at her kids not to run in the store, not to touch that, to put that down, to stay with me?).

I don't know where the balance is between being honest and being "negative nancy" (another biggie for me considering my struggle with depression). I want to be encouraged and I want to be encouraging. I want the safety to be honest and I want others to feel safe being honest with me. I want those things but I also want everyone to think I'm super mom (which I'm NOT)

Part of why I haven't blogged much lately is the issues I'm dealing with, the things I want to talk about, the decisions I'm wrestling with, the lessons I'm learning don't need to be on the internet where it could cause pain or where they could cause further division.  I'm saying I'd be more than willing to talk with most anybody about these things in a private conversation (or even on someone else's facebook wall where those involved can't/won't see), but not here and not now.

I'm not that honest . . .

Spring Training!

I grew up in a baseball loving family.  I've gone to games regularly since I was 4 years old.  I remember taking road trips growing up to go watch the California Angels spring training in Palm Springs, CA.  I remember how much fun it was to meet the players and get their autographs.

I moved to the Phoenix area when I was in college and, at the time, we didn't have Major League Baseball here, but we had Fall Leage and Spring Training. Over the years I went to a few games with friends and had a great time.  Later on the Arizona Diamondbacks moved to town so my chances to go to games increased.

It was in the years after college that I really fell lin love with spring training.  First off, my Angels were now holding their spring training just down the freeway from my house.  Secondly, spring training games are very inexpensive.  Where the Angels train lawn seats were only $4 and parking in the nearby office park was free!  I loved the cheap baseball, the beautiful weather, and the comradarie of hanging out on the lawn! Even when I went to games by myself I always made friends with those around me.  In my first few years out of college I loved spring training so much that I would take my vacation time from work in March just so that I could hang out at the ballpark as much as possible.


The access to the players during spring training is amazing, too. It's very easy for kids to get autographs and to talk to the players.  Last week I decided the kids were old enough that they'd enjoy watching the free workouts and being able to meet the players.  Since my son started Little League last week I also wanted to show him that even the "real" baseball players have to practice before they can play in games.









The kids loved going to the workouts, though they didn't really understand why we were asking the players to sign their baseballs and they didn't know what an autograph was.  My 5 year old, while trying to ask the players, "May I please have your autograph?" was more likely to ask, "Would you like my autograph?".  That got a few chuckles :)  My son also loved telling the players that he was in Little League and is now playing t-ball, which started a few conversations where the players told him about how they played Little League when they were his age. 

All in all it was a great day and the circle is complete because I grew up going to games with my parents, and having them help me collect autographs, and now I get to do the same with my kids.   I can't wait to do this again next year, though I know my son will have to miss out because the work outs will be while he is in school.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Several months ago I put on my facebook status how much I enjoy writing and said that I'm praying about how God can use that.

Well, lately I've had writer's block, which has been frustrating.  I've been wanting to write, but I haven't felt like I've had much to say.  I have several friends who blog daily and I love reading their blogs.  I would love to write every day, but I don't really have anything that I feel like is "worth" sharing every day.  

There are things I'd like to write about, but are so personal that I don't know if I necessarily want them "out there" for the entire internet to read.  Sure, I'm all for being transparent about my struggles in parenting, or in life, but when it comes to things like friendships and other relationships I have a lot to say, but am scared.

I am, by both nature AND nurture, a people pleaser.  I'm scared of writing/saying something that is offensive (especially since I've inadvertantly done that several times recently when I didn't think I was being controversial) and writing about some of the lessons.

The fact that I have become scared into silence, my insecurity about whether or not I have anything "worth" writing about, and the fact I'd like to keep certain details about my family (names and other identifying details) off the internet has led to my silence.

This rambling post is my first venture "back" to blogging.   I'm hoping tomorrow I can find the time to write about the great day my kids and I had yesterday!

I stand amazed!

At church tonight, just before communion, the pastor talked about how Jesus knew he could call on legions of angels to rescue him from the cross, but how he also knew that was the way it had to be. Jesus knew salvation would only come to the nations through his death.  Jesus could've pulled out his cape, and proclaimed in his best Mighty Mouse voice, "Here I come to save the day!", but he didn't . . .   He chose not to.  Jesus knew there was no other way to the other side, but to go through the torture of crucifiction.  I've heard that at least a hundred times in the past 17 years, but it struck me in a new way tonight.

Today I've been weary thinking about the health battles my friends are fighting.  I have one friend whose 1 month old has been in the hospital for the past several days enduring blood tests and spinal taps trying to figure out what is making her so sick.  I have another friend who is just beginning to fight breast cancer.  A third friend has a little girl who has had to fight for life since she was born in April.  I've been praying for these precious friends and my heart has ached for each one of them as I've cried out to God for healing.

I went into church, my heart heavy for these families and what they're enduring right now.  During communion I was thinking about the pastor's words and my mind went to my friends and their situations.  I was thinking about how Jesus could just say the word and all their sickness would be healed.   My thought process continued and I started thinking about the way God is often glorified (and has been in all of these cases) in the darkest times of life.  I was reminded that on the other side of the journey my friends are on they're going to be stronger, they're going to be more alive, and they're going to have a testimony that is absolutely amazing, but they have to go through this first because it's the only way to get to the other side . . .

During communion I heard the band quietly playing one of my favorite hymns.  As I was still processing what God was teaching me about having to go through struggles to reach the ultimate goal the worship team started singing the song, and before long thousands of people were worshipping God with this song:






How marvelous! How wonderful! And [their] song shall ever be . .  How marvelous! How wonderful! Is my Savior's love for me!