A little over a month ago my husband and I were in bed talking and, out of the blue, he asked me, "Do you realize that 25% of the time we have with our son under our roof is gone? It's just gone . . . " As his voice trailed off my eyes got big and I started picturing graduations and a wedding thinking "I'm not ready . . . "
We've been having a very difficult time with our son lately. He started his "Terrible 2's" at about 14 months and, though he'll be 5 in August, I'm still waiting for this "terrible" phase to end. Pretty much anything and everything can (and does) lead to a full on meltdown. I've been feeling completely on edge lately as it feels like I'm always in a battle of wills with him, or walking on egg shells trying to avoid a meltdown. It's been rough and I've been emotionally worn out by the constant struggle.
When my husband made that statement my heart broke as I thought about all the times I'd yelled at him and the times I'd lost my temper because of my own exhaustion and frustration. My heart broke as I thought about how I'd spent the past few years and I cried out to God saying, "This is NOT what I want his childhood to be like . . . I need to discipline him, but really, God? This constant battle? Neither of us are enjoying our days together and it has to change!" I absolutely love my son, but there have been many days where I haven't liked him very much (and I haven't liked me for how I've acted towards him).
There's nothing I can do about the previous 4.5 years, but there's a lot I can do before he moves out of our home and I'm making changes I'll write about in another post.
Interestingly enough, the past week or so has been GREAT! I really am in love with my handsome little man!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
A confession, flip flops, and friendship
After my post on fear the other day I have a confession to make . . . . we didn't go in the backyard yesterday. I am proud to say I didn't let my fear hold me back, but we still didn't do it.
Yesterday morning, at my son's swim lessons, my 2 year old daughter broke her flip-flop. Here in the desert that's a huge deal. It's a big deal because I don't want her wearing dress shoes to the pool or splash pad. It's an even bigger deal to me because they were shoes she could put on herself and that went with everything, so it made getting out the door much easier. Because it's now mid-June Old Navy's website is sold out of solid pink flip flops and this is an emergency so I knew our afternoon plans needed to change. Flip flops trump the backyard.
After naps I got the kids ready to leave, grabbed my purse and started walking towards the garage when my phone rang. As I reached into my purse I was still shuffling the kids towards the garage when I noticed the call was coming from a good friend of mine who I knew needed to talk. Friendship trumps flip flops.
No, I didn't take the kids outside as I'd declared, but I feel no guilt and know I made the right decision.
Now I just need to find the time to get to the store and buy flip flops before my daughter is sporting dress shoes poolside this summer :)
Yesterday morning, at my son's swim lessons, my 2 year old daughter broke her flip-flop. Here in the desert that's a huge deal. It's a big deal because I don't want her wearing dress shoes to the pool or splash pad. It's an even bigger deal to me because they were shoes she could put on herself and that went with everything, so it made getting out the door much easier. Because it's now mid-June Old Navy's website is sold out of solid pink flip flops and this is an emergency so I knew our afternoon plans needed to change. Flip flops trump the backyard.
After naps I got the kids ready to leave, grabbed my purse and started walking towards the garage when my phone rang. As I reached into my purse I was still shuffling the kids towards the garage when I noticed the call was coming from a good friend of mine who I knew needed to talk. Friendship trumps flip flops.
No, I didn't take the kids outside as I'd declared, but I feel no guilt and know I made the right decision.
Now I just need to find the time to get to the store and buy flip flops before my daughter is sporting dress shoes poolside this summer :)
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Fear
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:6,7
This was one of the first verses I memorized after I started following Jesus. It is a verse I have had to repeat and meditate on repeatedly. As I continually ponder this verse and cling to the truth it proclaims I say it like this "Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKGIVING present your requests to God. And the PEACE OF GOD which transcends ALL understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"
Fear is a huge struggle of mine. Even as a child I remember losing sleep because I was worrying about something. I absolutely cling to God's promise that His peace transcends all understanding. I have begged, pleaded and cried out to God for this peace over the years. More often than not I don't allow God's peace to reign because I'm trying to push it out with my own worries, fears and anxieties. The reality is I often think I'm more in control than God is.
I am thankful for a God that hears my cries. I'm thankful that I follow the Prince of Peace (not coincidentally, my favorite name for Jesus . . . ) who loves me despite my lack of faith . . .
I've heard from preachers several times who have said that the word "fear" appears 365 times in the Bible--one for each day. I've never verified this for myself, but even the fact I've heard different preachers say this over the years is proof I'm not alone in allowing my fears to consume me at times.
Tonight is another night in my life where worry and fear are keeping me up at night. I have a fear of snakes. It's a debiltating phobia that prevents me from enjoying activities (like hiking) that I otherwise would. Honestly, I can't even look at photographs of snakes without having serious anxiety issues.
I've always lived in parts of the country where these creatures exist, but it wasn't until April that I was unexpectedly in the presence of a snake in the wild. The biggest problem (besides the snake itself) was the snake's "wild" wasn't a beautiful desert mountain, covered with wildflowers. No, this "wild" was in my backyard. I was planting my garden and spending time with my 4 year old son in one part of the yard and crossing the grass to the other side when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a snake dart along our side fence and speed toward the corner of our lot, where we share a block wall with a neighbor. I immediately screamed, grabbed my son's arm and ran in the house to get my husband.
The peace and security I feel in my own backyard was ruined by coming face to body with my biggest phobia for 3 seconds. My husband went out beating bushes with a metal pole and couldn't find the snake, but found the hole in our block wall fence where it escaped into the neighbor's yard. Presumably the snake entered through the same hole. I tried convincing my husband he needed to dig down 6" and fill the hole with concrete, but the ever logical desert native he is reminded me that wouldn't help because snakes dig. I was also told he wasn't surprised since he's seen several snake holes in that corner of the yard since we moved in 3 years ago. WHAT!?!?! (He tried to comfort me by telling me they weren't active because he always fills them in and they don't reappear)
Based on my description my husband deduced it was a Red Racer and that it was a "good" snake to have because it was non-venemous and it eats rattlesnakes. I informed my husband that there's no such thing as a good snake (ask Eve). I also told him that didn't make me feel better because having the beast in our yard meant there was a food source. (By the way, if you want to see a picture of a red racer you'll have to google it yourself because I'm not searching for a picture to link for you)
All of that brings me to tonight. For the past few months my fear of snakes has kept me from enjoying my backyard. The few times I've been outside my husband has been with me, and I've never relaxed. My kids beg to play in the backyard during the day and I'm keeping them inside because I'm scared to go out and play with them for fear we might see another sliterhing reptile. Tonight I am anxious and restless because I know I should take my kids outside, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it without my husband home to first "secure the location".
Writing this all out and admitting it is reminding me how irrational I'm being, but isn't that what fear does? Fear makes us act irrationally.
What do you fear? Does it consume you? Does fear control your actions, like it has mine? How do you handle your fears?
Tomorrow I'm going to take the first step in not letting fear consume me by taking my kids outside after their rest time to play in the sprinklers. Please join me in praying that birds will be the only wild life who will grace us with their presence . . .
This was one of the first verses I memorized after I started following Jesus. It is a verse I have had to repeat and meditate on repeatedly. As I continually ponder this verse and cling to the truth it proclaims I say it like this "Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKGIVING present your requests to God. And the PEACE OF GOD which transcends ALL understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"
Fear is a huge struggle of mine. Even as a child I remember losing sleep because I was worrying about something. I absolutely cling to God's promise that His peace transcends all understanding. I have begged, pleaded and cried out to God for this peace over the years. More often than not I don't allow God's peace to reign because I'm trying to push it out with my own worries, fears and anxieties. The reality is I often think I'm more in control than God is.
I am thankful for a God that hears my cries. I'm thankful that I follow the Prince of Peace (not coincidentally, my favorite name for Jesus . . . ) who loves me despite my lack of faith . . .
I've heard from preachers several times who have said that the word "fear" appears 365 times in the Bible--one for each day. I've never verified this for myself, but even the fact I've heard different preachers say this over the years is proof I'm not alone in allowing my fears to consume me at times.
Tonight is another night in my life where worry and fear are keeping me up at night. I have a fear of snakes. It's a debiltating phobia that prevents me from enjoying activities (like hiking) that I otherwise would. Honestly, I can't even look at photographs of snakes without having serious anxiety issues.
I've always lived in parts of the country where these creatures exist, but it wasn't until April that I was unexpectedly in the presence of a snake in the wild. The biggest problem (besides the snake itself) was the snake's "wild" wasn't a beautiful desert mountain, covered with wildflowers. No, this "wild" was in my backyard. I was planting my garden and spending time with my 4 year old son in one part of the yard and crossing the grass to the other side when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a snake dart along our side fence and speed toward the corner of our lot, where we share a block wall with a neighbor. I immediately screamed, grabbed my son's arm and ran in the house to get my husband.
The peace and security I feel in my own backyard was ruined by coming face to body with my biggest phobia for 3 seconds. My husband went out beating bushes with a metal pole and couldn't find the snake, but found the hole in our block wall fence where it escaped into the neighbor's yard. Presumably the snake entered through the same hole. I tried convincing my husband he needed to dig down 6" and fill the hole with concrete, but the ever logical desert native he is reminded me that wouldn't help because snakes dig. I was also told he wasn't surprised since he's seen several snake holes in that corner of the yard since we moved in 3 years ago. WHAT!?!?! (He tried to comfort me by telling me they weren't active because he always fills them in and they don't reappear)
Based on my description my husband deduced it was a Red Racer and that it was a "good" snake to have because it was non-venemous and it eats rattlesnakes. I informed my husband that there's no such thing as a good snake (ask Eve). I also told him that didn't make me feel better because having the beast in our yard meant there was a food source. (By the way, if you want to see a picture of a red racer you'll have to google it yourself because I'm not searching for a picture to link for you)
All of that brings me to tonight. For the past few months my fear of snakes has kept me from enjoying my backyard. The few times I've been outside my husband has been with me, and I've never relaxed. My kids beg to play in the backyard during the day and I'm keeping them inside because I'm scared to go out and play with them for fear we might see another sliterhing reptile. Tonight I am anxious and restless because I know I should take my kids outside, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it without my husband home to first "secure the location".
Writing this all out and admitting it is reminding me how irrational I'm being, but isn't that what fear does? Fear makes us act irrationally.
What do you fear? Does it consume you? Does fear control your actions, like it has mine? How do you handle your fears?
Tomorrow I'm going to take the first step in not letting fear consume me by taking my kids outside after their rest time to play in the sprinklers. Please join me in praying that birds will be the only wild life who will grace us with their presence . . .
It's me again . . .
Life has been seriously crazy for the past few months, and while my desire to write hasn't wavered, my time and inspiration have. I enjoy writing and, though I'm not the most faithful at updating it, I enjoy having a blog. I'm going to try and get better about posting more regularly for awhile. In fact, it's a sleepless night and I have a lot of thoughts running through my head right now, so don't be surprised if you all of a sudden see 10 posts from me, all at once . . .
Friday, January 14, 2011
I have a dream . . .
My dream is not as world changing as Martin Luther King's, but it's a dream that could bless others. Honestly, it's a real dream I had while sleeping last night . . .
I am part of the Fabulous (ok that's my addition because these ladies are fabulous) Funky Freezer Girls. We are a group of friends who get together once a month and swap homemade frozen dinners. For example, one month I'll make 10 pans of chicken enchilladas and then come home with 10 different meals made by my friends. Each month we also make an extra "blessing" meal to give to somebody who is not in our group, but who we think would be blessed by having several ready-made dinners on hand. We have done blessing meals for a chemo patient, moms who have just had babies, someone recovering from surgery, etc.
This week a friend of mine and his family found themselves in a situation that would make them the perfect candidates for one of our "blessing meals". The only problem is the Funky Freezer Girls are in Arizona and my friend is in upstate New York. Dang geography. I went to bed thinking about how I'd like to bless this family with freezer meals, but couldn't.
While I was sleeping I had a lovely dream where the freezer girls had somehow compiled a network of similar groups across the country. In my dream we knew groups everywhere. In my dream these groups all had the understanding that we'd bless our local community and if one of us knew of a need we couldn't take care of ourselves, because of distance, than somebody else would.
How wonderful it would be to be able to let a similar group in New York know my friend's family would truly be blessed by having a full freezer and then . . . VOILA . . it happened! Likewise, someone in TX could let us know of a family in our area . . .
I know there are reasons it wouldn't happen (I mean, would you want someone knocking on your door saying "I've never met you or your family, but I met a girl online who lives in Arizona and she said you would be blessed by these meals . . .here's 10") On second thought, it DOES sound great . . .
I am part of the Fabulous (ok that's my addition because these ladies are fabulous) Funky Freezer Girls. We are a group of friends who get together once a month and swap homemade frozen dinners. For example, one month I'll make 10 pans of chicken enchilladas and then come home with 10 different meals made by my friends. Each month we also make an extra "blessing" meal to give to somebody who is not in our group, but who we think would be blessed by having several ready-made dinners on hand. We have done blessing meals for a chemo patient, moms who have just had babies, someone recovering from surgery, etc.
This week a friend of mine and his family found themselves in a situation that would make them the perfect candidates for one of our "blessing meals". The only problem is the Funky Freezer Girls are in Arizona and my friend is in upstate New York. Dang geography. I went to bed thinking about how I'd like to bless this family with freezer meals, but couldn't.
While I was sleeping I had a lovely dream where the freezer girls had somehow compiled a network of similar groups across the country. In my dream we knew groups everywhere. In my dream these groups all had the understanding that we'd bless our local community and if one of us knew of a need we couldn't take care of ourselves, because of distance, than somebody else would.
How wonderful it would be to be able to let a similar group in New York know my friend's family would truly be blessed by having a full freezer and then . . . VOILA . . it happened! Likewise, someone in TX could let us know of a family in our area . . .
I know there are reasons it wouldn't happen (I mean, would you want someone knocking on your door saying "I've never met you or your family, but I met a girl online who lives in Arizona and she said you would be blessed by these meals . . .here's 10") On second thought, it DOES sound great . . .
Beauty of Friendship
In October I wrote about how I love facebook as a prayer tool and how thankful I am for the friendships I've been blessed with.
I've witnessed the power of both again this week. One of my best friends from college received horrible news this week when his 8 year old son was diagnosed with a brain tumor. There is a lot more to this story than is mine to share, but I have loved watching from a distance as friends from college have rallied around this family right now, eventhough many of us have never met this little boy.
I went to a small Christian college of about 2000 students. Of those, only about 800 lived on campus. It was definitely like living in a small town. Our freshman year we lived in the dorms and ate in the cafeteria together. By sophomore year most of us moved into campus apartments. We went to the same Bible studies and saw each other late at night "studying" at Denny's. Many couples met their spouses on campus while everyone watched them date and wondered when they were going to announce their engagement. (To give you an idea---I had 6 engaged roommates before I started my Senior year. Both of my roommates I had in the dorm were engaged by the time our freshman year ended!) It was definitely a different experience than my husband had in college by going to a large state university and living off campus, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Within that "small town" there were different circles of friends, but everybody knew each other and it was great (most of the time). Now that we're in our 30's we have lives that are quite different from the ones we led during those years, but it's been great to see those same friends rally around one who needs prayer, support, and encouragement right now.
I've witnessed the power of both again this week. One of my best friends from college received horrible news this week when his 8 year old son was diagnosed with a brain tumor. There is a lot more to this story than is mine to share, but I have loved watching from a distance as friends from college have rallied around this family right now, eventhough many of us have never met this little boy.
I went to a small Christian college of about 2000 students. Of those, only about 800 lived on campus. It was definitely like living in a small town. Our freshman year we lived in the dorms and ate in the cafeteria together. By sophomore year most of us moved into campus apartments. We went to the same Bible studies and saw each other late at night "studying" at Denny's. Many couples met their spouses on campus while everyone watched them date and wondered when they were going to announce their engagement. (To give you an idea---I had 6 engaged roommates before I started my Senior year. Both of my roommates I had in the dorm were engaged by the time our freshman year ended!) It was definitely a different experience than my husband had in college by going to a large state university and living off campus, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Within that "small town" there were different circles of friends, but everybody knew each other and it was great (most of the time). Now that we're in our 30's we have lives that are quite different from the ones we led during those years, but it's been great to see those same friends rally around one who needs prayer, support, and encouragement right now.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Joy in the Journey
As 2010 ended a few days ago my facebook status read "Good riddance to 2010". Though not a complete list, I did write a post a few weeks ago that outlined some of the difficulties my family and I faced this year. I had never been one to think of January 1 as a "new start" because,the blending of two years never seemed that significant. 2010 was a different story and I'm more than happy to have seen it leave. Based on what my friends have been saying online over the past few days, I'm not the only one who has felt this way.
Last night my husband and I went to church. While the pastor didn't necessarily frame it in that context, God spoke to me about the trials we'd experienced in the previous 12 months. The point of the message was that "God's joy comes through transformation, not substitution"
I am well familiar with James 1:2-4: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kids, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything" as well as James 1:12: "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." During my financial struggles I clung to those verses. While I'd never want to re-live those times I PRAISE GOD that I went through that and am immeasurably thankful for that period of my life.
As Jesus told his disciples the night before his crucifixion, there is some joy that can only be experienced after periods of intense pain: "A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world." John 16:21
As I look back on 2010 I'm not sure what God was doing in my life since the difficulties we faced happened around us, not directly to us, but my perspective has now changed. Instead of looking back on the past year and bidding it "Good riddance" I am focusing on looking back and finding the joy in the journey . . .
Last night my husband and I went to church. While the pastor didn't necessarily frame it in that context, God spoke to me about the trials we'd experienced in the previous 12 months. The point of the message was that "God's joy comes through transformation, not substitution"
I am well familiar with James 1:2-4: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kids, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything" as well as James 1:12: "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." During my financial struggles I clung to those verses. While I'd never want to re-live those times I PRAISE GOD that I went through that and am immeasurably thankful for that period of my life.
As Jesus told his disciples the night before his crucifixion, there is some joy that can only be experienced after periods of intense pain: "A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world." John 16:21
As I look back on 2010 I'm not sure what God was doing in my life since the difficulties we faced happened around us, not directly to us, but my perspective has now changed. Instead of looking back on the past year and bidding it "Good riddance" I am focusing on looking back and finding the joy in the journey . . .
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