"Do you realize . . . ?"

A little over a month ago my husband and I were in bed talking and, out of the blue, he asked me, "Do you realize that 25% of the time we have with our son under our roof is gone? It's just gone . . . "  As his voice trailed off my eyes got big and I started picturing graduations and a wedding thinking "I'm not ready . . . "

We've been having a very difficult time with our son lately.  He started his "Terrible 2's" at about 14 months and, though he'll be 5 in August, I'm still waiting for this "terrible" phase to end.  Pretty much anything and everything can (and does) lead to a full on meltdown.  I've been feeling completely on edge lately as it feels like I'm always in a battle of wills with him, or walking on egg shells trying to avoid a meltdown.  It's been rough and I've been emotionally worn out by the constant struggle.

When my husband made that statement my heart broke as I thought about all the times I'd yelled at him and the times I'd lost my temper because of my own exhaustion and frustration.  My heart broke as I thought about how I'd spent the past few years and I cried out to God saying, "This is NOT what I want his childhood to be like . . . I need to discipline him, but really, God? This constant battle?  Neither of us are enjoying our days together and it has to change!"  I absolutely love my son, but there have been many days where I haven't liked him very much (and I haven't liked me for how I've acted towards him).

There's nothing I can do about the previous 4.5 years, but there's a lot I can do before he moves out of our home and I'm making changes I'll write about in another post.

Interestingly enough, the past week or so has been GREAT!  I really am in love with my handsome little man!