Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Several months ago I put on my facebook status how much I enjoy writing and said that I'm praying about how God can use that.

Well, lately I've had writer's block, which has been frustrating.  I've been wanting to write, but I haven't felt like I've had much to say.  I have several friends who blog daily and I love reading their blogs.  I would love to write every day, but I don't really have anything that I feel like is "worth" sharing every day.  

There are things I'd like to write about, but are so personal that I don't know if I necessarily want them "out there" for the entire internet to read.  Sure, I'm all for being transparent about my struggles in parenting, or in life, but when it comes to things like friendships and other relationships I have a lot to say, but am scared.

I am, by both nature AND nurture, a people pleaser.  I'm scared of writing/saying something that is offensive (especially since I've inadvertantly done that several times recently when I didn't think I was being controversial) and writing about some of the lessons.

The fact that I have become scared into silence, my insecurity about whether or not I have anything "worth" writing about, and the fact I'd like to keep certain details about my family (names and other identifying details) off the internet has led to my silence.

This rambling post is my first venture "back" to blogging.   I'm hoping tomorrow I can find the time to write about the great day my kids and I had yesterday!

I stand amazed!

At church tonight, just before communion, the pastor talked about how Jesus knew he could call on legions of angels to rescue him from the cross, but how he also knew that was the way it had to be. Jesus knew salvation would only come to the nations through his death.  Jesus could've pulled out his cape, and proclaimed in his best Mighty Mouse voice, "Here I come to save the day!", but he didn't . . .   He chose not to.  Jesus knew there was no other way to the other side, but to go through the torture of crucifiction.  I've heard that at least a hundred times in the past 17 years, but it struck me in a new way tonight.

Today I've been weary thinking about the health battles my friends are fighting.  I have one friend whose 1 month old has been in the hospital for the past several days enduring blood tests and spinal taps trying to figure out what is making her so sick.  I have another friend who is just beginning to fight breast cancer.  A third friend has a little girl who has had to fight for life since she was born in April.  I've been praying for these precious friends and my heart has ached for each one of them as I've cried out to God for healing.

I went into church, my heart heavy for these families and what they're enduring right now.  During communion I was thinking about the pastor's words and my mind went to my friends and their situations.  I was thinking about how Jesus could just say the word and all their sickness would be healed.   My thought process continued and I started thinking about the way God is often glorified (and has been in all of these cases) in the darkest times of life.  I was reminded that on the other side of the journey my friends are on they're going to be stronger, they're going to be more alive, and they're going to have a testimony that is absolutely amazing, but they have to go through this first because it's the only way to get to the other side . . .

During communion I heard the band quietly playing one of my favorite hymns.  As I was still processing what God was teaching me about having to go through struggles to reach the ultimate goal the worship team started singing the song, and before long thousands of people were worshipping God with this song:






How marvelous! How wonderful! And [their] song shall ever be . .  How marvelous! How wonderful! Is my Savior's love for me!

An Attitude worth Catching!

I don't know about you, but I'm definitely the type that likes to avoid struggle and confrontation.  I avoid it all costs in my dealings with other people and I would prefer that my life just be void of difficulties in the first place.  I don't thrive on challenges and stress.  I'm definitely a "go with the flow" kind of person.  I'd much rather learn from other peoples' difficult experiences than face my own.   When faced with adversity I tend to shrink under the pressure and tend to have a "Woe is me" attitude.

In the past few weeks I have been able to observe a friend who is taking a challenge in her life and embracing it head on.  Though her diagnosis is no longer secret, she is not publically advertising it to those who don't "need to know". Out of respect for her I will not use her real name, but will call her "Elizabeth"

Elizabeth was just diagnosed recently with a very treatable form of cancer.  Elizabeth is not one to shrink before an enemy (like I am) and even though her battle is just beginning I am blown away by her attitude, her strength and her determination.  Elizabeth is being honest about her bad days, but she already knows that this is a journey she would never want to trade, and truly believes that on the other side of this obstacle she will be better than ever.  I think that's actually what I've picked up most on from Elizabeth already--she's looking at her cancer diagnosis as an obstacle and not as an ending (because it's not!)

Elizabeth's prognosis is very good.  There are some days I have had a hard time being upset/worried for her because she totally believes, "God's got this" and her attitude is contagious.

The truth is all of us have contagious attitudes.  Attitudes like Elizabeth's---optimism in the face of a serious illness---are inspiriringly contagious and ones we should all "catch".  When we're around negative people we tend to "catch" their attitude, too.   The truth is I don't know many people facing as difficult of a struggle as my friend, but attitudes like hers are rare.  I know I struggle with negativity and often should be quararantined so that nobody else catches what I'm spreading.

I think I'm going to spend more time with Elizabeth and others whose attitude I want to catch instead of those who need to be quarantined before they infect others (myself included)!

Chris

Yes, that's his real name. I never learned his last name.  I don't think about him much these days, but he came to mind on Friday.  Part of me wishes I could find out what happened to him and find out where he is today.  Only God knows.  Maybe one day God will reveal it to me.  I pray I will see Chris in Heaven.

Good Friday, 1999
I was about 5 months into my career as a flight attendant and was partially through my time as a "reserve" (meaning I had certain days I was on call and the airline scheduled me as they saw fit, with no input from me).  I had been gone for the past 4 days and was really looking forward to getting home.  The last leg of my trip wasn't one I was working, but one I was being paid to fly home on as a passenger (called deadheading).  I don't remember my crew or anything about the trip up to that point, but I remember that by the time we got to the gate in Las Vegas I was tired and cranky. Everyone and everything, including the crew members I was flying with, were driving me crazy and I just wanted to get home. When we arrived at our gate in Las Vegas for the return flight to Phoenix one of the ladies I was flying with decided we should all try to sit together.  The gate agent was doing her best to assign us seats near each other, but I told her I didn't care where I sat.  I took the first boarding pass I was given and I went down the jetway to the empty airplane. 

As I boarded the 757, boarding pass in hand for a window seat, I was excited to see a had a row to myself. I put my rolling 22" suitcase in the overhead compartment and placed my small "gadget bag" under the seat in front of me.  I'm normally an extrovert and a people person, but I wanted quiet and rest on the way home.  I'd known from past experience that deadheading, in uniform (as I was) was a lightning rod for unsolicited comments and questions from those in the seats around me.  I was in no mood to be someone's sounding board about their experiences with my employer.

I settled into my seat as boarding continued, thanking God for some quiet, and opened my book The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancey.  As I read, Yancey mentioned how he'd made it a personal tradition to read through the Gospels during Holy Week.  Realizing that it was Good Friday I decided I would take the time to read through the Gospel of John on the hour long flight to Phoenix.  My Bible was inside my bag that was in the overhead compartment, so I retrieved it and sat back down to read God's Word.

Just as I read, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning." I noticed someone sitting in the aisle seat in my row.   "Shoot," I thought, "there goes my quiet flight".   I consoled myself by being thankful the middle seat was empty and that this teenager would probably want to keep to himself.


I remember trying to read my Bible and tune out God's nudging to talk to the teenager on the aisle.  I remember trying to tune God out and saying something to the effect of, "Ok fine, God.  If you want me to talk to him, he's going to have to initiate the conversation"  (Real brave of me, huh?)


This part of the flight was a blur. I don't remember how the conversation started, but I know my row mate had to have initiated it.  I remember that his appearance reminded me a bit of the "Goth" style of dress that was popular in the late 90's.  He had dyed, spiked black hair, black nail polish, black fishnets on his arms and a black t-shirt from a band I'd never heard of, but whose shirt looked fairly disturbing to me. 

Though I'm not sure what started our conversation, I remember we talked about music (and that I was not a fan of the Marilyn Manson album he had pulled out to put in his Discman as soon as we reached 10,000 ft.).  I remember we talked about his troubled family life.  I remember we talked about what he liked to do for fun (smoke pot).  As a Secondary Education major who had done my student teaching, and as someone who had worked with jr. high and high school students at church for years, I was not surprised by the things he was saying.   I didn't judge anything he told me but wasn't shy about voicing my opinion when he asked.  We had a great conversation about right and wrong and where I believed Truth came from.  (I did, afterall, have my Bible in my lap).  I found out my rowmate's name was Chris, he was 16 and he lived in Las Vegas.  Chris was travelling alone to spend Spring Break in Phoenix with a friend who had  recently moved there.

At some point Chris asked me if I believed Hell was real.  I told him I did and he asked how I could be so sure.  The previous Sunday my pastor had taught out of Luke 16 and Jesus' parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus.  Because message was so fresh in my mind I was able to go straight to the chapter and  read to Chris the passage where Jesus says,  

"The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side.  The rich man also died and was buried.  In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side.  So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in the water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire."  Luke 16:22-25

As our flight made it's final descent into Phoenix I was able to share my story with Chris and I was able to tell him why I follow Jesus. I asked Chris if he'd like my Bible and wrote down a few verses for him.  I don't remember all that I wrote but I remember writing down John 3:16 & 17,

 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish by have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."

I also remember writing down John 14:6, "I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me"

I knew that when I came to faith in Jesus I didn't know how to look up chapters and verses.  I didn't know what the references meant, and I knew Chris was probably in the same situation.  The plane touched down and taxied down the runway before I could explain to Chris what the words and numbers I wrote down meant.  I panicked and silently cried out, "I need a few minutes, God. Just 10 more minutes".  Not 30 seconds after that thought passed through my head I heard the Captain come over the PA and say, "Ladies and Gentlemen.  Our gate is not ready and we need to wait 10 minutes on the tarmac before we can pull in" Wow!  Only God!

I proceeded to give Chris "instructions" on how to find the chapters and verses I had written down.

The next Sunday, on Easter, I shared with my College/Career Group about Chris and asked them to pray for him.


One Week Later
As a reserve I had no control of my flights and was at the mercy of crew scheduling.   I was assigned 4 legs between Phoenix and Las Vegas.  I was an "extra" crew member assigned to help the crew out on the full flights between our two busies hubs as Spring Break ended.  I was in (another) foul mood and really didn't want to go to work that day.    I wasn't needed on any of the 4 flights I worked that day because they already had a crew assigned to meet the FAA requirements.  I'd considered calling in sick, but knew I needed the hours so I went in.

After I worked one round trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas I boarded a 757 in Phoenix for my 2nd "Vegas Turn" of the day.  I introduced myself to the crew already working the flight and told them I was their extra. My other crew members asked me to stand by the door and greet passengers as they boarded.  I plastered a smile on my tired face and welcomed our passengers aboard, directed them to their seats and helped them find space in the overhead compartments for their carry-on items.  About halfway through boarding I was mindlessly saying "Welcome" when I heard someone say, "Hi Heidi".  I looked up and realized I was face to face with Chris--my row mate from last week!  I was blown away.   I looked at Chris' boarding pass and took notice of his seat #, but knew I couldn't leave my station at the door until we'd closed the door and backed away from the gate.

Boarding was even more chaotic than ever and the first chance I had to stop by Chris' seat was after the safety demonstration, just before takeoff.  I went to the row where Chris was sitting and asked if he'd had a chance to read the Bible I'd given him.  He told me he'd read John 3:16 and it was "cool". Before I could really talk to him the Captain came over the PA and said, "Flight Attendants, take your seats".  I made my way to the back of the aircraft to my jumpseat and saw a man reading one of the books from the Left Behind series.  I interrupted his reading and blurted out, "Sir.  I'm going to guess by your book that you're a Christian.  I am too.  Last week there were a 16 year old kid on my flight that I had a chance to share the gospel with.  God put him back on my flight tonight.  Would you please pray for him?"  The man looked up at me and said, "I'm a youth pastor in Las Vegas.  I have a tract in the overhead.  Can I get it?"  I told him, "I'd love for you to get it, but not right now---we're about to take off".  I scrambled to my seat and buckled in just as I felt the nose lift off the ground.

Because we only had 40 minutes to serve 190 people the only interaction I had with the youth pastor was to grab a  tract from him as we passed by during the beverage service.  My interaction with Chris was just as brief.  I handed him the tract from the gentleman several rows back when I gave him his soda and let him know I would be praying for him.

That was the last time I saw Chris.

Every once in awhile God will bring Chris back to mind and I pray for him.  It's been nearly 13 years since our conversation and he's probably around 29.  I wonder where he is and what he's doing.  I wonder about the seed I planted and I pray that others will be able to harvest it.

This past Friday night was one of those nights.  I tell you this story so that you, too can pray for him.

  

Husband Brag!

In September I wrote about What Love Looks Like to me.  Some of the examples were from my own home and some were ones I had observed in the lives of my friends.

Earlier today I was thinking about how incredibly blessed I am to be married to my amazing husband.  Though he will occasionally stop by the grocery store and grab flowers on his way home from work I don't need them to know he loves me (they are nice, though!).   Because of budget/child care constraints we don't get to go out to dinner on dates very often, but we're intentional about spending time together after the kids go to bed and I don't think our relationship has suffered at all because of a lack of date nights.

Just because he's wonderful,  I'm going to brag on my husband!

**He gets up at 6am every day without grumbling and goes to work for about 10+ hours a day no matter how tired he is, and even when he's not feeling well.

**While he is up early in the morning getting ready he hangs out with our son (who ususally wakes up around 7) and they have some father/son time.  My husband gets our son breakfast and gives him his medications for his asthma and allergies--all while I'm still sleeping.   If I'm not awake by the time he leaves for work, my husband will turn on the TV for our 5 year old to watch cartoons until I wake up.

**By the time my husband gets home from work there's usually less than an hour between when he walks in the door and when it's "lights out" time for the kids, which means we generally eat the minute he walks in the door and then start getting the kids ready for bed immediately after dinner. Even though he's bone tired by then he makes sure to spend a few minutes playing with the kids before tucking them in. As an added bonus, he often times does the dishes while I'm giving the kids their baths, helping them brush their teeth, and getting them dressed!


**My husband was 36 when we met had a very good job, which meant a lot of discretionary income because he had been advancing in his career for years.  9 years later that same income supports a family of 4.  My husband has never complained about the fact that he went from where he was then, financially, to now being on a strict budget, with almost no extras, in order to make it possible for me to stay home.

**To stay within our grocery budget I sometimes have to get extremely creative in the meals I put together to (like when we're out of grocery money for the month and I still have 1 or 2 weeks worth of meals to "invent" based on what's in the pantry).  Not all of these experiments are very tasty, but my husband always cleans his plate and never complains (and he makes the kids do the same!).  Even if he didn't like the meal the first time he will eat the leftovers until they're gone so that nothing goes to waste.

**My husband is always looking for ways to make my life easier and to help me around the house.  Whether it's doing laundry, mopping, doing dishes, vacuuming, etc he just steps in and does what needs to be done!

My husband truly epitimozes 1 Corinthians 13 when Paul writes, "Love is not self seeking . . . "  I am truly blessed to be married to a man who thinks of his family before himself.  I try to do the same, but admit I'm not as good at it as he is . . .

Here's my challenge for you: On your facebook page, Twitter or blog take a few minutes and brag to the world about your husband!  (Even if he's like mine and won't see it because he doesn't do social media!)

Far From a Perfect Parent

Last night my 5 year old came into my room while I was sleeping (fairly common occurance--happens most nights around here) to let me know that he couldn't sleep because he was scared (again, fairly common).  Usually I pray with him and try to console him, but I was especially out of it at 1:30am so I just mumbled, "There's nothing to be scared of" and told him to go back to bed.  He told me he was still scared and I told him, "Just pray to Jesus and go back to bed".   THEN he told me that he was sweaty and I told him to take off his comforter and go back to bed.  (Are you noticing a theme in my responses?)

Without too much of a fuss he went back to his room and I rolled over to go back to sleep.

Somewhere around 3am I heard a noise that sounded like it was coming from my 3 year old's room so I got up to investigate (I'd apparently been imagining things because she was sleeping soundly).  I was coherent enough at that moment to realize that earlier I had blown off my son when he came looking to me for comfort.  I felt horrible and went in his room to check on him.  Fortunately he was sleeping soundly, so I just gave him a hug and said, "Love you, Buddy".

As I made my way back to my room last night after checking on my sleeping kids I started thinking about how my reaction to my son was exactly the opposite of God's reaction to me as His child.  When my son came to me scared I blew him off.  When I come to God with my fears he tells me, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with thanksgiving, present your requests to Me and I will give you a peace that transcends all understanding"

I'm incredibly thankful that God is a much better parent than I am.  I am daily trying be more like Him and love my kids the way He loves me.

Here We Go!

We did it.  Our family's first venture into youth sports.  I just completed the online registration (and paid the fee) for our son to play Little League this spring.  Saturday morning we'll head up to the community center in our neighborhood and complete the registration process by providing all the necessary documents.

Until now we've held off on all "extra-curricular" activities in large part because we love our lazy Saturday mornings :)  That is all about to change!  As I just wrote on my facebook status, "Lazy Saturday Mornings: It was nice knowing you.  Until we meet again . . . "

Our son loves to "play baseball" and does really well at hitting the ball when my husband throws it to him and we know he's going to love it.  By starting now we're also able to give youth sports a "test run" before Kindergarten so we can determine if the time commitment is something we're willing to make once he starts school.

I know this is going to be a great experience for him and I'm really excited to see him in his uniform!

Play ball!